There was a newfie and he went to a farm and said to the farmer If I can guess how many sheep are on your farm I can have one of them.thats fair enough.you have 7645 sheep on your farm.thats amazing. as the newfie walks away the farmer says to the newfie if I can guess where you are from then I get my sheep back.o-k sid the newfie thats fair enough.the farmer said you are from newfoundland.thats amazing how did you do that.I will tell you how I did it as soon as you put my dog down.
Submitted by: jamie murphy
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: newfoundland humour
Date: Saturday, February 24, 2001 at 19:35:36 (EST)

'da worst ting you can have on yer head is 'nar cap! Alby
Submitted by: alby
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, February 06, 2001 at 08:42:42 (EST)

A co worker of mine "Jed" said the other day that it was so cold outside that he had to wear two pairs of laces in his boots.
Submitted by: Darin Hyde
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, January 27, 2001 at 15:34:29 (EST)

This one was told to me by my grandmother, who moved to the states from Quidi Vidi when she was a young woman: "One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long. When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
Submitted by: Robert Powers
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Robert Powers's Pick
Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001 at 12:32:49 (EST)

I'm a newf see and I plays 'ockey and our goalie is not that great (but he's alright). So one day see by' we had a game against some town in Newfoundland. We lost see so I asked him "Is there sometin' wrong cause you don't stop that many shots eh'". So he says ta me the stupid ice is too blessed SLIPPERY me son!!!!!
Submitted by: MOO MOO
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2001 at 17:22:37 (EST)

A Newfie was walking on a beach, on his journeys around the island he came across a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said for letting me out of the bottle I will gran you three wishes. His first wish was for a million dollars, poof a million dollars appeared. His second wish was for the 12 playboy playmates of the year,poof there they were. His third wish was for a lad to touch the ground, poof no legs .
Submitted by: Dennis Faulkner
Homepage: Island
Date: Tuesday, January 16, 2001 at 09:20:00 (EST)

Carry on as if you where normal
Submitted by: Goggles
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, January 08, 2001 at 13:08:39 (EST)

One day, down at the pier there was a newfie walking along carrying a lobster under each arm.All of a sudden a FisheriesWarden came up to the newf and says to him "you know you could be in very serious trouble fishing lobster out of season" to which the newf replied " hey by' I am not fishing these har lobsters, they are my pets". Continuing to explain to the Fisheries Officer the newfie says "ev'ry day I comes down to the warf and gives a whistle and me two pet lobsters jump from the water. Then I take them for a walk on the warf". "I find that very hard to believe" says the Fisheries Warden, "prove this to me". So the newfie walks to the edge of the warf and throws the two lobster into the bay. Eagerly awaiting the proof of story he had heard he tells the newfie "whistle for your pet lobsters, and they better show up or your going to have to face the judge". Just then the newfie turns to the Fisheries Warden and says"WHAT LOBSTER"!!
Submitted by: rheal pitre
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 14, 2000 at 16:45:14 (EST)

My missus works at Tim Horton's and one day was making her rounds cleaning the tables. There were four men arguing 'bout which was bigger, Newfoudland or Quebec. One of the men, my brother-in-law, was from Quebec. One man says," Newfoundland is bigger than Quebec!". Immediately, my brother-in-law says confidently, " NO WAY, even with Newfoundland and Labrador together, Quebec is twice as big". Now, of course, my missus being a Newfie and quick on the tongue says to my brother-in-law, " That's because it takes two Quebecers to make one damn good Newfie!"
Submitted by: Bernard Ross
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 23, 1999 at 21:48:44 (EST)

A newfie, a chinese buddy, and a French buddy was stranded on a small island. All of a sudden, one of them finds a lamp. They rubbed it and out pops a genie. the genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, 1 wish each." "okay," they all say. Then the chinese buddy says, "I'll go first. I wish that I was home with my wife and 2 kids." Then 'POOF' he was back home with his wife and two kids. The French buddy speaks up, "I wish I was back home with my wife too." 'POOF' he was back home too. Then the Newfie says, "Well, jeez 'by, I'm all alone now. I wish I was back with my friends." 'POOF' they were all back on the island.
Submitted by: Laurie S
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, December 11, 1999 at 13:00:48 (EST)

While out swimming with his girlfriend. One woman was distressed and said her boyfriend had just disappeared under the water and was far too long under. Bob jumped in and after 30 seconds dragged out a blue body. He started mouth to mouth. His girlfriend asked him, " how is it going". "terrible replied Bob. his breath is really bad." The distressed woman replied that's not my boyfriend, thats probably the man who disappeared under the ice one year ago."
Submitted by: Brian Lawrence
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: google
Date: Tuesday, December 07, 1999 at 10:50:09 (EST)

So,dere wuz dis time,see,wen me brudder Charlie and me was takin' a truck driver's course,to learn how to drive the big rigs,eh. Like,dem 18 wheelers. So,anyways,the h'insruckter wuz takin' us out one at a time and stuff,see,to figger out wat we knowed,like braking and clutchin' and sech stuff. So,he gots ta two of us out one day,and Charlie's up in the bunk,watchin' me h'and da h'instruckter,and the h'instruckter sez to me "let's say you're out on the road,you and Charlie,as a team,and you're goin' down dis great big long hill and deres a red traffic light at the botton,and a school bus loaded with youngsters is goin' thru the green light,but your brakes aren't workin' right.You can't get the truck stopped safely.What are ya gonna do.Well,I said,I'll ask Charlie what to do.No,you can't ,he said,cause he's up in the bunk sleeping. Well,by,sez I, I'd wake en op,cause he never seen a good accident a'fore..........
Submitted by: Gren Warren
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Kitchen
Date: Sunday, October 31, 1999 at 00:57:25 (EDT)

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAPPEN TO BE ON THE SAME COIN.
Submitted by: KILLA TANNA
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: ugly phil's hot 30
Date: Tuesday, September 28, 1999 at 21:47:38 (EDT)

A timid little old lady was petrified of a dentist all her life. She had such a bad toothache that she had to go in. The dentist sits her down & as he puts the bib on her; she asks him to tell her when he's ready to begin. He goes over, gets all his tools, comes back & asks her " Are you allright"? Shaking, she replies "Yes". He leans over & says "Then we're ready to begin". She sticks out her hand & grabs his balls. He says "Lady, what are you doing"! She replies, "We won't hurt each other---will we"?
Submitted by: Audrey Brown
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, September 10, 1999 at 10:05:25 (EDT)

There were three newfies on the way home from the bar one night.They had a 6 pack of Black Horse for the ride home. As they came around a turn they saw a police roadblock up ahead. The driver told his buddy to peel a label off of a beer bottle, he then took label ,licked the back of the label & stuck it on his forehead, then he rolled up to the road block. The policeman asked "you guys been drinking tonight?", the driver said "My buddies have been drinking but I can't because I'm on the patch!"
Submitted by: Reg Daley
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 14, 1999 at 01:40:27 (EDT)

This is a true story. Having just returned to New York City from a trip to Newfoundland, I began to look at New York differently: I noticed that traffic jams, which I'd taken for granted, were really horribly annoying and that New Yorkers know absolutely nothing about Newfoundland. (I didn't either until the trip, but that's beside the point.) So one day, while we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic (anyone who's never left rural Newfoundland, feel free to e-mail me for definition -- not a "Newfie joke," just that I'm envious) waiting to pay a toll and cross a bridge, I remarked to my husband:"We could get rid of that traffic in a minute if they'd just replace that toll booth by a booth where drivers were asked to name the capital of Newfoundland, and not let anyone who couldn't on the bridge. The next day I told this story to a colleague at work -- a teacher, like myself, and a man who prided himself on being well traveled and knowledgeable about geography. He laughed heartily and then said, "It's Gander, isn't it?"
Submitted by: Debbie Rothman
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, August 12, 1999 at 02:00:42 (EDT)
 

A young couple just got married were in there honymoon suite on thier wedding night. as they were undressing forho thought himself a mancho kind of guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said"/here put these on" as she put on his pants the waist was twice the size of her body. she said"i can't wear these pants" the husband replied"thats right and never forget it. i'm the one who wears the pants in this family" with that his wife flips of her panties and tosses them to him and says"here try to get into these" he tried to pull them on but couldn't quite make it to his kneecaps. he says"hell i can't get into your panties" she looked at him and said" thats right and if you keep that attitude your never going to!"
Submitted by: J-man
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 09:49:24 (EDT)

A sign you might see in a newfie gift shop In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash
Submitted by: Justin Gallant
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 09:39:51 (EDT)

This well dressed man shows up at the pearly gates seeking entrance.St. Peter said " It depends on how you lived and more importantly ,how did you die ? " The man said " My wife and I lived a fairly uneventful life . It was the typical middle class marriage . I was the provider and she stayed home and took care of the house .Then today I decided to pay her a surprize visit at lunch.I walked in and she was still in hernightdress but I was upset when I saw a cigarette in a saucer ( we dont smoke ) and two coffee cups on the table . I realized I'd been had so I got so mad I picked up the fridge full of food and thru it out the window . The excertion killed me.I died of a heart attack ." " Come in " said St Peter. Fellow number 2 shows up and ST.Peter again wants the details . He said " I was out for a walk and from out of the sky comes this big fridge and squashed me flat" St Pete said "Come in ,I know the case " Come number 3 in the line : This little Newf . St peter asked the usual and Newfie says " Im sittin in dis fridg ,mindin me own buisness "
Submitted by: Winnifred Dawe
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, July 24, 1999 at 14:48:41 (EDT)

Well, it would be quit hard to picture my dad as a fisherman, but then again it wouldn't, 'cause he enjoys it so much. But just think that all the girls fathers a while ago would be fishermen. Kinda hard to believe? I don't think so! Well, anyway, here's my two cents!! Bye!
Submitted by: Danielle Croke
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, May 05, 1999 at 09:46:57 (EDT)

There once was a blond, she had a boyfriend. He told her to look out the window and see if the blinker was on. So she did.This was her answer " yes,no, yes,no, yes,no.
Submitted by: Lauren
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 18:21:26 (EDT)

There once was three people, an Italian, a frenchman, and a newfie. they were construction people and were working on a building 80m high. They always had lunch on top of the building. So the Italian opens up his lunch and gets a tuna sandwich. He says, " Oh I hate tuna sandwiches, If I get a tuna sandwich again tommorrow, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the french opens up his lunch and gets a balona sandwich. He says "If I get a balona sandwich again, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the newfie opens up his lunch and gets a ham sandwich. He says " If I gets anoder ham sandwich, I'm wit you two." So the next day, the Italian gets a tuna sandwich and jumos off the building. The french gets a balona sandwich and the newfie gets a ham sandwich and they both jump off the building. Later on, at there funeral the french and Italians wife's were crying and say"If they didn't like that kind of sandwich, they could have told us, but the newfie's wife wasn't crying, she was laughing . The Italian and french's wife ask the newfie's wife why she isn't sad at all. She says, "why, he makes his own lunch
Submitted by: patsy
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 18:18:02 (EDT)

My parents are from Newfoundland. St. John's to be exact. And not just because my parents are from there; I wanted to say that I love my heritage. I love the people from Newfoundland. They are the nicest people on earth. I'm proud to have this in my background.
Submitted by: Cheryl Penney
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Cheryl Penney's Pick
Date: Friday, April 23, 1999 at 15:03:57 (EDT)

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven,where she meets St. Peter. She notices >that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many >clocks here? St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth >and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.St. >Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to >Mother Theresa, and she never told a lie her whole life . The next clock >belonged to Abraham Lincoln, and since he only told two lies his whole life, >only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock ?" St. >Peter says, " Bills clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a >ceiling fan." > > >Have a great week. >
Submitted by: myles Benoit
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, April 20, 1999 at 15:13:16 (EDT)

There once was an American who decided to write a book about famous church's around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Canadian church's. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Vancouver, thinking that he would work his way across the country from west to east. One his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, $10,000 per call. The American, being intrigued asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. The American's next stop was in Edmonton. There while at a very large cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Vancouver and he asked a nearby sister what it's purpose was. The sister told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you" said the American. The American traveled on to Calgary, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and Halifax and at every church he stopped at he saw the same golden telphone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it, and every time the American asked a member of the church what the phone was for he got the same awnser, "it's a direct line to heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God." Finally the American arrived in St. John's, again he saw the same golden telephone but this time the sign under it read "$.10 per call." The American was intrigued and he told the church's minister, "Father, I have traveled all over Canada and I have seen this same golden telephone in many church's. I have found out that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other provinces the cost to call heaven was $10,000. Why is it so cheap here?" The minister smiled and awnsered, "You in Newfoundland now son, it's a local call."
Submitted by: Jason King
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, April 15, 1999 at 13:12:34 (EDT)

There were two teams of telephone pole installers. A team of Americans and a team of Newfies. Their supervisor went up to them and said, "I'm sorry to say this, but we've had budget cuts and one team has to go. For the next three days we're going to have a contest. The team that installs the most poles stays and the other one goes." At the end of the first day both teams went to their supervisor and reported their numbers. The American team put in 20 and the Newfies, 15. At the end of the second day the Americans had put in 45 and the Newfies had only put in 30. On the third and final day the Americans put in 50 poles and the Newfies got 35 in. Their supervisor went up to them and said, "Well I'm sorry to be the one to do this but the American team got more poles in so you Newfies have to go." The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one of them said, "No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!"
Submitted by: Andy
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, April 14, 1999 at 14:24:56 (EDT)

Newfie's first day in Toronto. Gets off the bus, goes up to the first person he sees. Asks him, "Where's da Skydome at?" Guy shakes his head in disgust and walks away muttering something about proper English. Newfie goes up to a lady. Asks her, "Kin ya tell me where da Skydome is at?" "Must be a stupid Newfie," she mutters, "can't even speak proper English." Walks away. Newfie goes up to the next guy he sees. "Excuse me, sir. Can you please tell me where the Skydome is at?" Guy says, "Look here, Newfie. You need to improve your English. You don't end a proper sentence with a preposition like at, to, over and words like that." "You're right, you're right," says the Newfie, "I should have known better. I learned that in school. What I meant to say was, 'Can you please tell me where the Skydome is at, Asshole!!"
Submitted by: Matt Way
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, April 13, 1999 at 09:20:48 (EDT)

When the Newfie arrived at the pearly gates, he couldn*t believe the beauty of heaven. He and St. Peter didn*t hit it off too good, when the Newfie said *well, I will be damned
Submitted by: Tommy MacDonald
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, April 11, 1999 at 23:11:32 (EDT)

What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite type of condoms? "Presidents Choice"
Submitted by: Jake Hickey
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, March 31, 1999 at 22:56:26 (EST)

there were three blonds on an island. they wanted to go to shore,it was 20km away. so one blond swims 5km and drowns. so the next one swims 15km and drowns. the last blond swims 19km's and says to hersef,"i'm tired, i think i'll turn back."
Submitted by: yakub ali
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: joke
Date: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 at 11:19:15 (EST)

there was a newfie ,an american&a canadian lost on an island. they all found a magic lamp,they rubbed it and out popped a geni. the geni said,"since there are three of you, i'll give you one wish each." so the canadian said that he would like to go back to canada and be a milionare, so poof! he was gone. next the american said that he would like to be in america and also be billionare,so poof! he's gone. so the newfie is alone now so he looks around and says," i want them both back 'cause i'm alone!"
Submitted by: joe_king
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: canadian
Date: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 at 11:09:51 (EST)

Newfie went to see his doctor complaining he is sore all over. Doc he says, i get my finger and press it on my knee and boy does it hurt. than i get my finger and press it on my elbow and ouch it hurts. than i take my finger and press it on my forehead, ouch again. what do you thing is wrong with me. The doc says Your finger's broke
Submitted by: Patrick Burke
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Patrick Burke's Pick
Date: Friday, March 12, 1999 at 19:29:49 (EST)

Several Newfies were working with some Quebecers on a construction site in Montreal. Most times communication wasn't a big problem, but sometimes the languages didn't always merge. For example, one day when the Newfies were working a few floors up on the scaffolding above the frenchmen one guy was sawing off a huge plank and accidently dropped it over the side. As it left his hand he yelled out, "Look out below!" A frenchman promptly stuck his head out the window and got brained by the falling plank!!
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, March 07, 1999 at 17:58:45 (EST)

Garge, a rough and ready Newf, had always counted on living to be 100 years old. He was doing very well at it to having reached 98 and still was healthy enough for his daily walks through the streets of St. John's. The only negative thing about Garge was that he always, all his life, dressed in the worst old clothes and rubber boys imaginable and his family was always after him to dress up one day for a change. So, for his 99th birthday Garge relented and dressed 'to the nines'. He went out for his walk all dressed up like a stick 'a gum...a real eye catcher. Anyway, as fate should have it, as he was crossing Water Street he got hit by a Metrobus and was killed instantly. When he met got to Glory he asked God,"why, why, after all these years and being so close to my goal, why did you let this happen now?" God replied,"Sorry, Garge by' ....I didn't recognize ya"!!!!
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, March 04, 1999 at 22:05:03 (EST)

I was babysitting for a my friend when it was time to put her 4 year old daughter to bed. At the time it was right before Christmas, so I asked her if she was going to see Santa Clause! She replied saying"No because Rudouph shot him with the 4X4!
Submitted by: Anna Marie Decker
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, March 04, 1999 at 16:37:46 (EST)

What is black and blue and floats in the bay? A mainlander who just told a newfie joke!
Submitted by: Anna Marie Decker
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, March 03, 1999 at 19:55:26 (EST)

Person was walking down the street when all of a sudden he/she hears a voice that says,"STOP OR YOU WILL BE KILLED BY A FALLING OBJECT". Person stops and a brick comes falling down from the top of a 15 story building and smashes into small pieces about a foot in front of him/her. Wow the person thinks, and says "Hey thanks buddy you just saved my life". Keeps on walking a while longer, and the same voice calls out again, "STOP, OR YOU'LL BE KILLED BY A SPEEDING CAR". He/she stops again, and a car out of control goes speeding by, side swipes two other cars and crashes up against a stoppped train and explodes. The person is over come by all this and says to the voice, "Thank a million for savingmy life again, but who are you"? The voice comes back with, "I'm your guardian angle" The person replys," WHERE WERE YOU 25 YEARS AGO WHEN I GOT MARRIED"
Submitted by: Gerard Carrier
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, March 02, 1999 at 07:36:34 (EST)

An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. he tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What's ya doin, boy?" he saked the hunter. "Gettin' my duck," said the Yank. "Well now I figgers it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says the Newfie. "Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?" "Well " says the Newfie, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do, boys. We'll fight fer it." "Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank. "I'll give you a sportin chance," says the Newfie. Here's the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seein' as it's my yard," says the Newfie. "Bend over, boy." The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face firsat into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn." The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn't like duck anyway."
Submitted by: Joe Boudreault
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Joe Boudreault's Pick
Date: Monday, March 01, 1999 at 12:47:30 (EST)

All supervisors at the fish plant were from now on to be dressed in white frocks. The Chief was addressing this one day and saw no problem until reminded of the size of John F.-a very very large man. John stood well over six feet tall and weighed nearly four hundred pounds and the Chief knew that no off-the-rack frock was going to fit big John F. While discussing this dilema with a group of men one day, old Sam, a quick witted soul offered, "Jasus, Chiefie, might be cheaper just to buy a gallon 'a white paint an' paint dat frigger over!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, February 08, 1999 at 15:03:41 (EST)

A woman from Harbour Round was pricing out some rather expensive mud facial cream with her friend one day. She allowed that owing to the fact that she still had a relatively wrinkle-free face she would need no more than a bottle or two-the neighbour agreed. The neighbour then joking asked her if she would be buying some for her husband, Jack, who had seventy years of hard living with the lines to match showing on his face. The woman replied,"You know now, I thought about that and then I figured it might be cheaper to wait 'til the contractors come around this summer and just have him paved!!!"
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, February 08, 1999 at 14:52:40 (EST)

Two Newfies set off on a moose hunt. A single engine Beaver takes them north from Cornerbrook. They make their way far into the bush to a small lake miles from civilization. The pilot is just able to land safely and offload the men and equipment at the hunting camp. The pilot says he will return in a week but warns them that he will only be able to fly out one moose. The week passes and the pilot returns to find the two Newfies, equipment and three moose carcasses. The pilot refuses to take more than the one. "You not be much of a pilot 'by" says Garge. "The lad last year loaded up three moose" chimed in Herb. The pilot -- against better judgement loaded the plane. The Beaver struggled into the air and almost cleared the ridge ant the end of the lake. In the mangled wreckage of the Beaver Garge pulles out a 20 and gives it to Herb..."You win... we're a good 100 feet betern last year."
Submitted by: Northern Light
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 at 16:17:14 (EST)

An American hires a newfie to take him on a tour of the newfoundland woods.The American looks down and sees some rabbit buttons and asked "what are these?".Smart pills replyed the newfie you eat them and you get smart.So the American picks up some and eats them."Gross they taste like shit",he said.See said the newf you're getting smart already.
Submitted by: Doug Herridge
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 20:11:20 (EST)

A Newfie went to tour Spain. One day he went to a local restaurant. He told the waiter that he wanted the house special. The waiter brought a plate consist of chips, salad and two large meaty balls. Curious the Newfie ask what is it? The waiter anwsered "cojones" "What is cojones?" the Newfie asked " Senor ,cojones is the testicals of bulls who lost in the bull fights." The waiter answered. The Newfie was digusted at the thought of it. but being the adventures type , he decided to give it a a try. Infact the cojones is delicious. So good that the Newfie came back the restaurant the next day and ordered cojones again. This time testicals were much smaller. Baffled the Newfie asked the same waiter what is it? "cojones senor" "No this is not cojones, I had cojones yesterday and they were much larger than this." the Newfie said " senor, the bull does not always lose" !!!!!!!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's "New to you"
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 19:03:35 (EST)

Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two. Peter asks the third guy, a Newfie, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The Newfie thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife." Peter then told the Newfie to enter door number one. The Newfie asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:57:20 (EST)

A Newfie married a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and vituperous person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!" When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, the Newfie's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you." Well, I happened to bump into the Newfie a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Hell, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:51:25 (EST)

Yeltzin calls Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Chretien. "I do need your help," said Yeltzin, "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" asked the Russian Pres. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Trojan in Canada. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said Chretien, "write 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:46:06 (EST)

It was a hot summer day at the Smith residence. Mrs. Smithhung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went out to pick up some dry cleaning."Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Waterstreet. Mrs. Smith passed by a tavern and thought, "Hell, Why not?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Mrs. Smith said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have meself a cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Mrs. Smith blushed and replied "Well fine, tanks, and how's the pecker?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:36:41 (EST)

(Got a hard job to write this one 'cause I'm laughing so hard at the next one down-that's long alright!!) Anyway, a Newfie, a Frenchman, and an American were wandering over the European countryside trying to get back to their army squadrons. It had been a long and lonely wartime and they were in desperate need of some female company. By and by they stopped to rest near a small farm. Noticing a sheep grazing peacefully away at pasture, the Frenchman said, "Mon Dieu, I wish very much that that sheep was Bridget Bardow." The American then said,"I wish it was Marilyn Monroe." The Newfie matter-of-factly offered, "I wish it was dark!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, January 29, 1999 at 15:36:38 (EST)

A very wealthy lottery company was offering a million dollars to the laziest man alive. Lots of people were naturally interested in winning the prize and great stories of unnatural laziness were offered by many. Finally, after hearing the story of a Newfie housewife about her, no- good, slouch of a husband the judges agreed that this was a winner. The company marched on over to the Newfie's house with much fanfare expecting the usual jubulation from the winner. When they got there they found the Newfie sound asleep on the lawn. They announced their presense to him, but he never awoke. They then nudged him a little-still no response. They then shook him and yelled the good news in his ear-he barely peeped out of one eye. In final desperation, they kicked him hard and yelled, "Here, you son of a bitch, here's your million dollars." "Alllll right, allllll right," the Newfie replied, "no need ta get rough- jus turn me up on me side a little and shove it into me pocket fer me will ya!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:36:46 (EST)

A man came upon an old woman who was ice fishin' in the dead of winter. "Gettin' any?" he asks. She replies, "Jus' enough ta keep me 'ole open".
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:14:50 (EST)

FIRST NEWFIE: Hey, Tom, old buddy. Wasn't dat you I seen yesterday going into Woolworth's when I was stood there right out front of da Post Office lookin' across Water Street. SECOND NEWFIE: No, b'y, you must be mistaken Garge, me ol' trout-I wasn't downtown at all yesterday b'y. FIRST NEWFIE: Oooo-das right sure, come to tink of it, neither was I. Must 'a been two other people!!!!
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:08:36 (EST)

This old lady was in a nursing home and this morning she got dressed and started heading down the corridor going like a bullet, as she was passing the first door a man put out his hand and stopped her and asked her if she had a license she said yes and passed him a chewing gum wrapper and on she went as she came to the next door another man stopped her and asked her if she was license to drive so fast and she said yes and passed him a maxi pad and on she went,as she approach the next door another man curling his hand asking her to stop and with a sigh she replied not another breathalyser to the man with an erection.
Submitted by: D.Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:03:00 (EST)

The newfies hope that quebec separates,----They think that it'll be a shorter drive to Toronto. A couple of newfies were driving to Toronto, They came to a sign that said'Toronto-Left', they turned around and went back home!
Submitted by: Sharla Goodwin
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 27, 1999 at 21:33:08 (EST)

(I don't know if you heard it before) Two newfies were flying in a plane, a voice came over the speaker telling them that one engine broke, but it was alright because they had another one working. One newfie said to the other,"I hope this one doesn't break 'cause we'll be up here all day!"
Submitted by: Sharla Goodwin
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 27, 1999 at 21:28:28 (EST)

An old couple went to the doctor's office for the old man's checkup. Both had to go because the old man was as deaf as a doornail. Anyway, after a preliminary examination the doctor said "Now Sir, we're going to need a urin sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample in order to run some tests." The old man didn't hear a word of what the doctor said and, turning to his wife, with strained expression asked "Aaaaah, what he say?" The wife replied, "He SAID he WANTS a PAIR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 11:16:27 (EST)

A woman accompanied her ailing husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." *Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. *Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. *For lunch make him a nutritious meal. *For dinner prepare him an especilly nie meal. *Don't burden him with chores,as he probably had a hard day. *Don't discuss your problems with him. *And most important....Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. "You're going to die." she replied.
Submitted by: Dora Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 01:34:38 (EST)
 

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian Parlor.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ,the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it,filled with water.In the water floated ,of all things,a condom.Imagine his shock and surprise.Imagine his curiosity;surely Miss Bea had flipped!But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her Parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and it's strange floater,but soon it got the best of him.He could resist no longer.
Submitted by: Dora Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 01:06:24 (EST)

True story from home. Jack and Et M. were havin' a bad fall since Jack give up fishin' and come down with a bad stomach. He was after gettin' the very bad news that he would need an operation and that two-thirds of his stomach would have to be removed. Well, Et, being a typical outporter was not adverse to exaggeration in order to enthrall her neighbours and was heard saying one day at the store, " tut, tut, yes , tings is some bad, and sure now Jack got ta go in and have THREE-THIRDS of hes stomach removed!!!"
Submitted by: Gerry Morris
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 at 16:23:06 (EST)

Garge was building a new house. He ran out of lumber, so he sent Pat to the lumberyard for more. Pat walked up to the counter and said, "Me brudder Garge wants a underd 4 be 2's". "Pardon", the clerk replied. "A underd 4 be 2's!!", Pat replied. "Oh, 100 2x4's", the clerk said. "Same ting", Pat replied. "Okay, how long would you like those 2x4's sir", the clerk asked. "I don't know", Pat said "I'll have to ask Garge". He jumps in the truck, drives off and returns 10 minutes later. "How long would you like those 2x4's sir?", asked the clerk again. Pat replied "Garge said he wants 'em a long time, he's building a ouse see!!!".
Submitted by: George Prosper
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 at 14:21:02 (EST)

A lawyer from Montreal and a Newfie were sitting next to each other on a flight from St. Johns to Toronto. The lawyer leans over to the Newfie and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Newfie just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Montreal lawyer persists and explains the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I aks you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again the Newfie politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, somewhat agitated, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you 50 dollars!" figuring that since he is a Newfie, he will easily win the match This catch's the Newfie's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Newfie doesn't say a word - reaches into his billfold, pulls out a fiver, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the Newfies turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up the hill with 3 legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzeled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Archives. Frustrated, he sends Email to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Newfie and hands him 50 dollars. The Newfie politely takes the 50 and turns away to get some sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the Newfie and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the Newfie reaches into his billfold, hands the lawyer a fiver and goes back to sleep.
Submitted by: Don Boore
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, January 08, 1999 at 20:13:21 (EST)
 

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in. "Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks. "No we don't got any duck food." "Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out. The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in. "Got any duck food?" he asks. The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!" "Fine." the duck says and walks out. The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?" By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!" All the duck does is turn and walk out the door. On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "No we don't got nails." "Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Yvonne's pick
Date: Thursday, January 07, 1999 at 11:29:28 (EST)

I just found this newfie page and was glad I found it. My grandmother on my fathers side was decendant of the great Cpt Arthur Jackman. On my mothers side her maiden name was linegar. While I was there the road to southside hill was Blackhead Rd, But that was changed to Linegar Rd
Submitted by: Frank Jackman Maher
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 06, 1999 at 19:58:22 (EST)
 

A neufie was sitting in a boat, singing, "I's the b'y that builds the boat and I's the b'y that sails her" Some aliens flew over him and abducted him, saying, "I wonder what will happen when we remove half of his brain" They removed half his brain and put him back in the boat. He began to sing "I's the b'y," again. Confused, the sliend took him back up into their ship and removed half of what brain was left in his head, so he only had a quarter of his brin left. They put him back in the boat and he continued singing "I's the b'y" "Screw this," they said " Let's just remove his whole brain." They took his entire brain out and put him back in the boat. The neufie was silent for a moment, and then burst out singing, " OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT?"
Submitted by: PaTricia Silverman
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Xcelco home page
Date: Saturday, January 02, 1999 at 14:56:31 (EST)

A newfie moves to Toronto and get a job working with two guys from Toronto doing construction work. One day while they were at work, on a lunch break, the first guy from Toronto opens his luuch and start to complain because for the last 2 years his wife has always given him a ham sandwhich. The second guy from toronto goes through the same process as the first guy except his sandwhich is turkey. The newfie then pipes up and states the same thing except he has a bolonga sandwhich. The newfie then states that when they all go home after to work that they should say something to there wives so that they don't have the same for lunch tommorrow. All three go home an do just that. The next day all three are sitting down ready to eat there lunch. The first guy from Toronto states that if his a ham sandwhich that if he has a ham sandwhich that he not eating in and throughing it in the trash. Sure enough when he opens his lunch he finds a ham sandwhich, he then throughs it in the trash. The second gut from toronto goes the same thing and when he opens his lunch he finds a turkey sandwhich and also throughs it in the trash. The newfie then picks up his lunch and throughs it in the trash. The two guys from toronto look and the newfie and ask why did you do that you did'nt check to see what you for lunch. The newfie responds I don't have to check because I made my own lunch this morning.
Submitted by: Kurt Buttt
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, January 02, 1999 at 02:49:44 (EST)

A bartender in Toronto is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant Newfoundlanders. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of whiskey and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more Newfoundlanders arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Newfoundlanders show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth Newfoundlander comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the Newfoundlanders, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The Newfoundlander who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that Newfoundlanders are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 31, 1998 at 09:47:51 (EST)

Newfie's on his way back to st. John's from Toronto on a plane. He sits next to a mainlander. They start talking and Newfie askes the mainlander what he did for work. Mainlander says"Well I'm a pyschoanalist" Newfie says"what's that?" mainlander says"Well do you own a fish tank?" newfie says yes. Mainlander says"Well you probably like the water to then, right?" Newfie says"yes" Mainlander says" well i bet you like the beach too" newfie says"why that's right!" Mainlander says"if you like the beach well you probably like looking a the women in their bathing suit too, aye" newfie says(right impressed)"How'd you know that? You pyshcoanalists must be some smart. Newfie changes planes in Halifax and sits next to another mainlander. Newfie's just sitting his chair fiddling around and turns to the mainlander beside him and says"I'm a pyshcoanalist" Mainlander says "you are?" Newfie says "well let me explain it to you ya. Do you have a fish tank?" Mainlander says"no" Newfie says"What are you gay or somting?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's "New to You"
Date: Monday, December 14, 1998 at 11:26:06 (EST)
 

Two peanuts walking down the road, one was a-salted.
Submitted by: Cliff
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 at 08:24:26 (EST)

TRUE STORY MOSES BURNS WAS WATCHING A SHIP LOAD OF U.S. OFFICERS COMING TO STEPHENVILLE FOR THE FIRST TIME. ONE OF THE OFFICERS SEEING MOSES STANDING THERE JOKINLY ASKED. WERE ARE ALL THE INDIANS.MOSES LOOK AT HIM AND SAID. THIER NOT ALL OFF THE BOAT YET
Submitted by: JOE
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 at 19:49:59 (EST)

Newf was looking for an exotic cruise vacation, but on the cheap. Perusing the St. John's paper, he saw "France, $1500", "Australia, $2500"--and, lo and behold!--"Greece, $5.95". "Just the t'ing," he thinks, and heads down to the agency. He goes in, ponies up the cash, and they pour him a drink. He knocks it back, and everything goes black. When he wakes up, he's chained to a rowing bench in a galley, with a drum beating a steady rhythm and a rowmaster cracking a whip. He starts pulling his oar. Fourteen days later, nothing but bread and water rations and 20-hour days at the oar, the boat finally makes port in Greece and the captain tells the rowers they're free to go. Newf turns to his benchmate and says, "Damn if that ain't the worst vacation I've ever had." Benchmate says, "Aye, my love, and last year they only charged $4.95."
Submitted by: Hugh Miller
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, November 25, 1998 at 00:50:26 (EST)

No thsi is not a joke or a story, it is mearly a comment. Newfies are the best thing to happen to Canada. I am not one, i was born and raised inOntario and reside there now. However I am datinga nd in love with a Newfie and he is the sweetest, nicest guy and alot of my friends are newfies and they are the best! And its true, Newfies are the best in bed!
Submitted by: Sarah Augustus
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Sarah Augustus's Pick
Date: Sunday, November 22, 1998 at 17:44:37 (EST)

An old Newfie, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home in Toronto. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, November 20, 1998 at 14:11:08 (EST)

~Edgar was eighteen years old Torontoian, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job as a delivery boy and general go-fer at Leon's furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Edgar said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, November 20, 1998 at 13:13:11 (EST)
 
 

1. You know more than you really want to concerning the personal lives of Ran, Lar and Deb. 2. You don't think that those poor souls setting up their campers in gravel pits are homeless. 3. You no longer go shopping, but hang around da mall instead. 4. You know that moose sometimes comes in a bottle, and caribou is the main ingredient in bologna. 5. You know that CBS is not just a cable channel. 6. Most parties you attend are either held in the kitchen or eventually end up there. 7. You've eaten cod tongues, and don't wonder what they did with the rest of the fish. 8. You are not surprised to see a bunch of tourists kiss a dead fish and shout: "Indeed I is, me old cock!" 9. When someone says they're going around the bay, you know that it's not just to the other side of the harbour. 10. You know that Here and Now is not just where you are at this moment. 11. At least once, you have endured the ferry ride from Port-aux-Basques to North Sydney by staying in the bar as long as possible, but then wish you had made more of an effort to find a comfortable chair to sleep in. Of course, at this point you're so loaded it doesn't matter. 12. You know who Snook is, and have probably met someone just like him. 13. Seeing the word "Dildo" on a highway sign doesn't make you giggle and blush. 14. You aren't startled by large plywood moose with reflectors for eyes. 15. For some reason, you frequently replace the word "downtown" with the phrase "George Street". 16. You buy your bologna in sticks, and like it well done and `crispy' on the barbeque. 17. You know that the show you're watching is about to come back on because a music video is playing, and the letters N-T-V are somehow orbiting the earth. 18. You know that despite the vast distances between Canada and France, small boats carry booze and cigarettes between the two countries on a regular basis. 19. You know how to answer when somebody asks: "Whaddya at?" 20. You know that Jockey Club is not organization for little horse riders and India is not a country in Asia. 21. You treat empty beer bottles with respect, and store them carefully for future visits to Brewer's Retail. 22. You're not surprised that all four comedians on This Hour has 22 Minutes are from Newfoundland, and know that the Quinlan Quints are not from Buchans. 23. You know that you couldn't possibly ask for any better place than Newfoundland, and anyone who doesn't think so just hasn't spent enough time there!!!!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 19, 1998 at 14:49:04 (EST)

Johnny just moved to Toronto from Newfoundland. His first day at at school, the class was practising the alphabet. Most of the kids made it to G or H before faltering, but Johnny went all the way to Z with only two mistakes! He went home, told his father, who then patted him proudly on the back saying "That's 'cause you're from Newfoundland, son!" The next day, the class was doing numbers. Most kids stumbled after 10 but Johnny went all the way to 50 with only 3 mistakes! He went home and again his father patted him proudly on the back saying "That's 'cause you're from Newfoundland,son!" The following day was gym class. Johnny was puzzled and when he went home, he asked his father "Dad, after gym today, when we were all taking showers, I noticed that the other kids had really small weenies! Mine is at least 10 times as big! Is that because I'm from Newfoundland? "No, son", he replied, "It's because you're 18!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 19, 1998 at 14:43:07 (EST)

Two mainlanders were standing in an old abandon store talking about how stupid Newfies were. One remarked that Newfies were so stupid that if two passed by the window now, they would come inside and asked what was for sale! Well just after he finished talking, two Newfies happened by, and sure enough, they entered the old store and asked the two men behind the counter, "what are ya selling?" Half laughing one of the men replied, "assholes!", and one Newfie responded, "You must be doing a swift trade, you only got two left!!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's New To You
Date: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 at 11:09:06 (EST)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Newfoundland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Newfoundland too! Let's have another round to Newfoundland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Newfoundland are you from?" "St. John's," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from St. John's too! Let's have another drink to Newfoundland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in'62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, November 11, 1998 at 12:55:29 (EST)
 

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. "The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison. "The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please. "The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The Newfie says, "Gimme a fork. "The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Newfie takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The Newf looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 16:34:30 (EST)

"A Heartwarming Story" The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Gonder, Newfoundland; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Gonder School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or sweetly I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said screw you. Sincerely, Edna Johnston
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 16:23:45 (EST)

MR. JOHNSON, A BUSINESSMAN FROM NEWFOUNDLAND, WENT ON A BUSINESS TRIP TO LOUISIANA. HE IMMEDIATELY SENT AN E-MAIL BACK HOME TO HIS WIFE, JENNIFER. UNFORTUNATELY, HE MISTYPED THE ADDRESS AND THE E-MAIL ENDED UP GOING TO A MRS. JOAN JOHNSON, THE WIDOW OF A RECENTLY DECEASED MINISTER. THE PREACHER'S WIFE TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE E-MAI AND PROMPTLY FAINTED. WHEN HER FAMILY FINALLY REVIVED HER AND ASKED HER WHAT HAD HAPPENED, SHE NERVOUSLY POINTED TO THE MESSAGE, WHICH READ: "ARRIVED SAVELY, BUT IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!"
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 16:16:31 (EST)
 

A Newfie went out ice fishing one day. After cutting his first hole in the ice and fishing for a while, he heard a voice say, "There's no fish down there!!" The Newfie then packed up, moved to another part of the ice, cut a hole and began to fish. Again the voice said, "There's no fish down there!!" Again the Newfie packed up and went to another spot, cut another hole, and began to fish again. He then heard the voice say, "This is the stadium manager, there's no fish down there!!"
Submitted by: Glenn DuHart
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Glenn's World
Date: Thursday, October 15, 1998 at 10:33:52 (EDT)

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I`m smart and I want to get outa here." The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago`? But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?" The teacher said, "That`s right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said `I Have a Dream`? But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That`s right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not what your country can do for you`? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" The teacher said, "That`s right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered. "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spun around, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Submitted by: Rod Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:17:32 (EDT)

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" And they two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
Submitted by: Rod Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:15:32 (EDT)

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."Her husband said, " That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
Submitted by: Rod Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:13:50 (EDT)

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"
Submitted by: Rod Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:11:54 (EDT)

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. ~~~~~~ There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Submitted by: Rod Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, October 12, 1998 at 23:07:35 (EDT)

All his songs aand stories and telling us abbout his homeland that is where my family is from my grandfather his naame was Cedric Agustis Windsor
Submitted by: Dawn Milner
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Newfoundland Humor
Date: Tuesday, October 06, 1998 at 10:03:03 (EDT)

A man, was on his way home one night. As he passed the graveyard, he heard two voices saying, "one for you and one for me." He hurried to get the preacher. He was told it was the Lord and the Devil dividing the dead. After a short time they heard "There are two outside the fence, let's get them." The man grabbed the preacher and sad "Let's get out of here, they're coming for us." It was two lads, who were dividing the apples they had stolen earlier that evening.
Submitted by: DAvid Dean
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: a Pastor's page
Date: Saturday, September 26, 1998 at 01:06:42 (EDT)

A single-engine plane crashed in a cemetery in Central Newfoundland earlier this week, killing two people. Officials are investigating the site. So far, 300 bodies have been found.
Submitted by: Karen Neary
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 18:16:04 (EDT)

An englshman, american, and a newfie went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The newfie was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
Submitted by: Garge T
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 13:10:59 (EDT)

There were two Newfies working on at a construction site in Toronto. A Newfie fresh from the island asked his co-worker what he had in his hand. His co-worker said,"it's a thermos bottle b'ye, it keeps things hot and cold." Newfie..."oh, that's pretty neat, I'll have to get one of those!" The next day on the job site, the veteran Newfie saw the young Newfie had a thermos, he said"oh, that's good there b'ye, what's ya have in your thermos today?" Young Newfie said" A couple of cups of coffee, and a popsicle.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Submitted by: Jessie Tr to
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 01:38:10 (EDT)

An elderly Newfie gentleman walked into a Newfie store in Toronto and enquired of the store owner; Newf: "Do ye 'ave any fish bye"? Owner: "What kind of fish"? Newf: "Salmon b'ye" Owner: "Yes we have lots of salmon" Newf:"And ow much is they be the pound?" Owner: "eight dollars" Newf: "Well me darlin' man, you'll always have 'em" Owner to another customer: "What do you suppose he meant by that?" Customer: "Just what he said buddy, you'll always ave 'em"
Submitted by: Rod Northcott
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 22:35:59 (EDT)

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95 AMERICANS: - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: - Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. AMERICANS: - This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: - No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. CANADIANS: - This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Submitted by: Garge T.
Homepage: Not entered

Date: Friday, August 14, 1998 at 17:51:08 (EDT)

Cute Joke.......A doctor started having an affair with his nurse,and shortly after this started, she announced that she became pregnant.Not wanting his wife to find out,he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go around the bay,(foxtrap),to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there."But how will you know when our baby is born?"she asked."well",he said,"After you've had the baby,just send me a post card and write "Newfoundland Dog" on the back".Not knowing what else to do she took the money and went off to foxtrap.Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office."Dear,you received a very strange post card in the mail today".she explained."I don't understand what it means!"."Just wait till I get home and I'll read it,"he replied. Later that evening the doctor came home and read his post card which said:"Newfoundland Dog,Newfoundland Dog, Newfoundland Dog: TWO WITH WIENERS ONE WITHOUT"" From A Bell Island BOY,
Submitted by: Colin Rees
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 23:41:46 (EDT)

Two Newfie's, George and Ed, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Molson Golden. The passenger, George, said "lookey thar up ahead, Ed, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, George", Ed said, "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked George. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Ed. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Ed. "We're on the patch".
Submitted by: DUI B
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 14:09:17 (EDT)

Three guys were up before a Judge in Court, charged with serious offenses; an Englishman, Frenchman and a Newfie. Each was sentenced to 20 years, no parole. However, the Judge was somewhat compassionate and offered to let each one choose to take something to prison with them for the 20 years. The Frenchman, being the romantic type, asked if he could take his wife. The Judge said, "O.K." The Englishman asked if he could have a priniting press. The Judge thought it would ba alright to learn the printing trade while in prison, so he said that would be fine. The Newfie asked for a carton of cigarettes, and the Judge agreed. After serving a full 20 years, each got out of prison. The Frenchman had a nice family he raised while in prison. The Englishman had a suitcase full of money he had printed. The Newfie came out with a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth and he says: "B'ys, anyone got a light?"
Submitted by: Randy Taverner
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 13:59:03 (EDT)

A Newfie was driving a transport truck across Canada with a load of live rabbits going to BC. The rabbits were all loose in the trailer and not in cages. While driving near Sudbury, he slid on a patch of ice on the road and accidentally slid off the road into the ditch. When he hit the ditch, the back doors flew open on the trailer and rabbits began scurrying everywhere. A Policeman happened to be passing the scene and saw the truck in the ditch. He stopped to investigate the accident. When he walked around the back of the trailer, here was the Newfie, flat on his back in the snowbank, laughing to kill himself. Policeman: "Sir, what's so funny? Your rabbits are all loose and they're running everywhere. Newfie: "Yeah, I know! But they don't know where they're going. I got the address here in my pocket."
Submitted by: Randy Taverner
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 13:43:51 (EDT)

Newfie steals 5000 ft. of lumber from a building supply store. Soon after, he starts to feel guilty, so he goes to Confession at the local church. Father: How can I help you? Newfie: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Father: What is your sin, my son? Newfie: I stole 5000 feet of lumber, Father. What's my pennance? Father: Do you know how to make a Novena, my son? Newfie: No, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber.
Submitted by: Barry Dunn
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Digital Camera Network
Date: Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 12:19:34 (EDT)

Two Newfies were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning vessel . While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, " Make the entire ocean into beer." Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustingly at the one who's wish had been granted . After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke " Nice going Now we're going to have to pee in the boat...
Submitted by: Newf Lardinsky
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 14:36:53 (EDT)

Did you hear about the new "Doggie Bra" made by a Newfie? It makes pointers out of sitter!
Submitted by: Edward n Clevett
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 11:57:46 (EDT)

A newfie who had just moved to Toronto, was checking the help wanted ads, he noticed that the hardware store just around the corner was looking for a handyman. He applied and was called for an interview, Manager:are you any good at woodworking? Newfie: No. Manager: are you any good with plumbing? Newfie: No. Manager: then why did you apply for the handyman's job?? Newfie: 'cause I just live around the corner!!
Submitted by: Musgrave Harbour
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, July 13, 1998 at 22:41:34 (EDT)

There was a newf visiting friends in Toronto. Well on night the newf went to a bar and saw a sign that said "IF ANY- ONE MAKES THE HORSE LAUGH THE WIN $1000". So the newf went to the room where the horse was. He came out 5 minutes later and the horse was laughing. The barte nder said "You must tell me how you did it." The newf re- plied " I will tell ya tomorrow." The next night the newf went back and saw a sign that said " IF ANYONE MAKES THE HORSE CRY WINS $1000" So the newf went to the room and returned 5 minutes later and the horse was now in tears. The bartender says to the newf " You must tell me how you did it." The newf says " Alright I will tell you.Last night I told the horse that mine was bigger than his and tonight I proved it to 'em."
Submitted by: Scott Collins
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Yahoo!
Date: Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 20:46:51 (EDT)

The first rabbit I ever shot was a duck, and I killed it with a stick.
Submitted by: Eric Thomas
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, June 23, 1998 at 21:49:47 (EDT)

A Newfie, a Brit and a Frenchman were sentenced to death in the electric chair. When the judge asked the Brit if he had any last words, he said, "God save the Queen". They zapped him but nothing happened so they had to let him go. The judge asked the Frenchman if he had any last words, he said "Vive le France" and they zapped him. Nothing happened, so they had to let him go. Then they asked the Newfie if he had any last words and he said, "This thing's not plugged in!"
Submitted by: Mari Maimets
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, June 06, 1998 at 14:57:28 (EDT)

A newfie went to watch the maple leafs hockey game.sitting down eating a hotdog he heard sombody call HEY HARRY.Newfie jumped up and looked around.didn't see anybody so he sat down.Start to eat is hotdog again he heard somebody call out HEY HARRY,newfie jumped up and looked around,didn't see anybody so he sat down.just as he started to eat is hotdog again,he heard it again,HEY HARRY.newfie jumps looks around and yells back,By the way my name is not Harry.
Submitted by: Tony Andrews
Homepage: i'm not Harry
Date: Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 22:42:18 (EDT)

There was this Newfie,An american, and an Englishman we're up before a very stern Judge for some thrumped up charge many years ago and they were all going to be hung but the judge said the least he could do was give them a choice of which tree they would be hung from, the american picked the old oak tree close to his home, the Englishman a great red pine not far from his favorite pub, and the newfie thought for a newfie minute which takes a while and then he said to the judge I want to be hung from the blueberry in my grannies back yard so seeing as how those trees only grows to about six inches they had no choice but to let him go (Another lucky newfie... or a smart one ha, ha.)
Submitted by: Frank Crane
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 22:21:17 (EDT)
 

Newfie to Mainlander, "Do you know why Newfie jokes are so simple?" Mainlander, "No:. Newfie, "So Mainlanders can understand them".
Submitted by: Wilma Augustus
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, March 24, 1998 at 22:28:54 (EST)

A Newfie moves to Toronto and set about trying to buy a house. He sees a real estate agent who procedes to take him to view various properties. After turning down several nice homes the real estate agent asks the Newfie why he won't buy. The Newfie explains that they are all too expensive. When asked how much he has to spend he tells the agent "fifty thousand dollars". The agent figures this is a rather low figure with which to buy a house but has invested so much time in the Newfie that he must see this through to the end. Eventually he takes the Newfie to see an outhouse of rather large dimensions. The Newfie buys the outhouse and sets about to renovate. A few months later the agent meets the Newfie on the street and asks how things are going. The Newfie states that things couldn't be better now that he has found a way to help meet the mortgage payments. When asked how he managed to do that the Newfie replied, " Shore b'y, I rented the basement to a Torontonian!".
Submitted by: Danny Myles
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, January 27, 1998 at 19:07:20 (EST)

One day there were two newfie's fishing in there rented boat they were catching lots of fish. One newfie said we should take the boat back. but how will we find the fishing place. I will put an X on the bottom of the of the boat. Yeh but happens if we dont rent the same boat next time.
Submitted by: Mike Sobey
Homepage: Fishing
Date: Sunday, January 25, 1998 at 10:53:50 (EST)

A newfie living in Scarborough was homesick and wanted to go home badly. He was down to his last $200 when he went to Ted Davies on the Danforth. The salepeople were sitting outside under the umbrella watching him enter. Newfie approached the sales people and said "I have $200 and I have to go home". The Sales staff talked to themselves and one spoke up,"we have some discount cars in the the corner, let me show you". The two go over to the area, the newfie sees a car he loves the colour of. He says "How much will that one be...". The salesman said "we will make it work, there is one thing I must tell you though" "What's that?" says the newfie. The sales man said "it has not reverse sir!". The newfie says "not a problem my son, I'm not comming back!!".
Submitted by: Art Maxwell
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, January 02, 1998 at 17:03:44 (EST)

Many years ago -- probably close to 25-30 -- Matt Foot owned & operated a plumbing & heating business in Gander. My brother, Jack, worked for him. One night, a Mr. Knee who lived in Badgers Quay needed a plumbing supply so my brother had to drive it to Badgers Quay ----- The story is Mr. Foote had to send an elbow to Mr. Knee!!

Hope it put a small smile on your face & I will definitely review your site in great depth over the weekend....
Submitted by: F.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 11, 1997 at 03:58:45 (EST)

He was sitting at the kitchen table have a "spot o' tea" with me and the Missus. Every now and then he would look down the hall and then back at us with a puzzled expression on his face.

By and by, my curiosity got the better of my manners and I asked him what was bothering him.

He said, "D'ere's a feller out d'ere and I knows he, but I can't place he!"

My wife and I looked down the hall and discovered to our amusement that he had been looking at himself in the mirror at the end of our hall.

Submitted by: Uncle Neil via Kent
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Newfoundland Outport
Date: Sunday, October 26, 1997 at 09:13:28 (EST)

Submitted by: unknown
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, October 26, 1997 at 08:34:53 (EST)

"Here is one of the tallest trees in the country George. Tell me how tall it is."

"Sixty-tree foot, tree and a quarter inches sir", said Garge.

"You're exactly right", said the foreman. "How did yu know that?"

"We're not so stun as we looks sir", said Garge.

"OK, tell me how many cords of wood we can get from that tree?" asked the foreman.

"Six and a tird cords", replied Garge.

"Your're exactly right again."

OK, I'll get you this time, thought the foreman. "Tell me where the front of that tree is?"

Garge walked around the tree once and said, "This is the front of the tree right here."

"And on what premise do you base that assumption sir?" asked the bossman.

"Cause someone took a crap behind it", answered Garge.

Submitted by: Davis Hull

"What?" said the customer. "Stewart's in Windsor sells that same wallboard for 19.95 a sheet!"

"Well, may I ask why you didn't buy it at Stewart's?" the clerk asked.

"They don't have any right now," says the customer.

"Oh, well," said the clerk, "when we don't have it, we sell it for only 16.95 a sheet."

Submitted by: Dale Penney

"Salmon, by'" the Newfie Captain replied.

The coast guard captain then asked if they knew that salmon fishing was prohibited on Sundays in Nova Scotia.

"Well, these are Newfoundland salmon we're catchin' here." the Newfie Captain stated.

"How can you tell the difference between Newfoundland salmon and Nova Scotian salmon?"

"Well sir, the ones with the big mouths, we throws them back!"

Submitted by: Francine Shea

" Well b'ye, I guess we should take her in ta get fixed", said George to Wally.

" How much will that cost?", asked Wally.

"Well b'ye, it costs ya 5 dollars ta get fixed, and if ya want get a horse and cart ta take it there, it'll cost ya 5 more."

"I ain't payin' 5 bucks fur a horse and cart ta take it, I'll carry it there meself."

So the next morning, Wally put on his 2 pairs of long johns, 3 pairs of thermal socks, and 5 shirts, and heaved the great big grandfather clock on his back and started for the jewellers. As soon as he reached the top of an icy hill, he slipped and started to fall down the slope. The big grandfather clock fell off his back and slid down the hill where an old lady was starting to climb. As soon as she looked up, the grandfather clock hit her. When Wally reached the bottom, the old lady looked up at him and said, "Why don't you wear a watch like everyone else, my son?"

Submitted by: Ted & Ashley Moyles

One day I ran into an old friend on the street, and he started telling me how he and his wife (both from Forteau), had just returned from a Caribbean cruise.

So I said it sounded wonderful.

My friend said, "Well now it was, girl, but HEAT!"

So I said, "Yes I expect it's pretty warm down around there."

And he said, "No, HEAT, maid, HEAT! We HATE about 6 or 7 meals a day."

That's a true one.

Submitted by: Anne Saturley

When I was back home, at my brother's place in Carmanville, I took a walk past the funeral home. In the driveway was an ambulance with the same name on it as the funeral home. Back at my brother's I asked, "Does the guy running the funeral home also run the ambulance?" Answer: "Yes."

Not one person there found it funny. However, everyone I've told that story to in Toronto are amazed that such a thing could exist. It's amazing the trust of people in cities compared to small towns.

Submitted by: Irene LaPointe

My girlfriend and I skipped Sunday school, one Sunday (we were bad I know). Well, the woods was our favourite playground. (We also enjoyed lighting a fire on the beach on Guy Fox day - roasted potatoes - I can still taste them.) We used to race each other up the trees.

Pam said "I'm going to beat you up".

She got to the top. The top broke off. Down came Pam. She broke her arm. We made a stretcher out of branches tied to our Sunday coats and carried her out. She went that whole night without telling anyone, but finally had to be rushed in to get a cast on.

For the longest time we thought God was up there teaching us a lesson. As I recall, we didn't miss Sunday school for a long time after that.

Submitted by: Irene LaPointe

"You have one wish, me son."

The Newfoundlander (notice I didn't say Newfie), said "Real expensive crossing this ferry every year", I want a bridge built cross to Newfoundland."

The Genie said, "My god, I can't do that it's impossible. I will give you another wish."

The Newfoundlander then states, "Well give us another contract for Churchill Falls."

To this the Genie replied, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Submitted by: Rex Tucker

Rex on politics: I wonder why lawyers always end up in Politics. Is the business so tricky that you have to have a law degree to get into politics - or one to stay there.

It comes time to jump and the Newfie goes first. He jumps, waits ten seconds, and pulls his cord, the parachute comes out no problems and he starts his descent.

Then the American jumps, waits ten seconds and pulls his cord, nothing happens. So right away he pulls the emergency cord, nothing happens and zooms past the Newfie.

The Newfie takes one look at him and yells "SO YOU WANT A RACE HUH?", and rips off his parachute.

Submitted by: Colin Policelli

When the Cop came into the empty factory, he started searching around for the 3 guys. He kicked the potato sack that the Irishman was in and the Irishman said, "Woof,woof".

The Cop said, "Oh, it's just a dog."

Next, he kicked the Englishman's potato sack and the Englishman said, "Meow".

The Cop said, "It's just a cat."

Then the Cop kicked the Newfie's sack and the Newfie said, "Pot-at-to."

Submitted by: Ines Markeljevic

(In those days, when a clerk made up a sales slip, he (she) was required to have one of the other sales persons to check the addition, etc. and the phrase often heard ringing through the store was "SIGN PLEASE". At this request the necessary checking was done and the slip signed.)

The young man said that the work was very plesant but he was sick and tired of hearing "SIGN PLEASE, SIGN PLEASE" all day long. He was kept very busy checking other clerk's work.

When the young lady (who was a domestic in a household in the lower part of town) inquired about her new found friend, she was told that he did NOT work in one of the big stores, but worked on the HONEY CART. (This was a metal drum-like cart, horse drawn.The contraption was used to hold the contents from the out-houses. The container would be taken from the back of the out-house and the contents transfered to the "HONEY CART". When empty the can would be returned to its proper place, and the trap door closed.)

The young lady decided to get even with her admirer, and on the given night she waited in the out-house. The trap door opened and a pair of hands started to pick up the quite full can. At this point the young girl yelled down the one holer "SIGN PLEASE".

Submitted by: Charles C. Harvey

"Why are you crying?", asked the Father, "Things really can't be that bad".

"Oh yes dey is", said the young lad.

"Tell me your troubles then", said the Priest.

The child looked up, still sobbing, and said, "Me 'ands is cold, 'n' me feet is cold, pisthed in me panths and me dog won't go."

Submitted by: Charles C. Harvey

"Don't 'ave no fodder", answered the child.

"Well then. What is your mother's name?"

"Don't 'ave no mudder", was the reply.

"My dear child", said the teacher, "I'm so sorry. When did she pass away?"

A little voice from the rear said, "Dat's right Miss. 'e don't 'ave no fodder or mudder. 'e's a'nt 'ad 'e."

Submitted by: Charles C. Harvey

"I have decided on a name I found in the Bible."

"And what name might that be" asked the clergy.

The answer coming from the mother sounded like "PISLAM SIV"

"I don't think that I am familiar with that name, said the minister. Would you please show me just where in the Good Book you came across such a name?

The proud young mother immediately opened the Bible to "Psalm CIV"

When I asked my mother: "How come a kid would have a name like that?"

She said that she had inquired of the lad's mother, where she would find such a name for her son? Mrs. (Smith) was quite indignant, and said with pride that her son was named after the Anglican Minister who baptized the boy.

At that point Mother realized that Mrs. (Smith) was referring to the Rural Dean of that particular area.

Submitted by: Charles C. Harvey

Mike said to the Newfie, "I'll bet you fifty bucks the guy jumps".

Newfies says, "You're on" and of course lost the bet.

Mike felt bad and explained to the Newfie that he had seen the news earlier and knew that the guy was going to jump.

The Newfie said, " I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again" .

Submitted by: Hugh Mackay

Once at the clinic the Vet did a thorough check on the dog. He told the Newf: "By there's nothin' I can do".

The Newf replied, "There's gotta be something you can try. Why don't you get a second opinion?".

And the Vet said, "Wait a minute! There's a cat out in the other room, I'll go get it and if that doesn't stir the dog then there's no help!".

So they took the cat and let it walk around the dog, waved the cats tail in the dogs face, even let the cat walk over the dog! And the dog didn't move.

The Vet said, "Well by the dogs gone.".

The Newf said, "Yes by I gotta agree. So how much is that gonna cost?"

"$325", replied the Vet.

The Newf was flabergasted, "$325!!! How come?"

Well, the Vet replied, "It was $25 for the dogs examination and $300 for the Catscan!"

Submitted by: Lemonte Squibb

If you know Upper Island Cove at all, you'll know about the "Roller Coaster" (the stretch of road which links Upper Island Cove with Riverhead, Harbour Grace — it's a winding road that dips down into a valley and back up). That's where our story originates (at the deepest part of the valley), over a hundred years ago. There used to be a pond in Jackie's Pinch and a man's son drowned while they were fishing on the pond. The boy's body was never recovered. The man was so upset that he spent all his time — day and night — searching for his son's body. At night he carried a lantern. Even to this day, people claim to see the light from the father's lantern roaming around in Jackie's Pinch.

Submitted by: Glenn Smith and Danielle Butt and Ann Coombs

Aggie: "Today is our wedding anniversary." Jarge: "I knew it was a sad occasion of some sort."

Aggie: "There's better fish in the ocean than the one I caught." Jarge: "Yep, and there's better bait too."

Aggie: "I'll be late this evening Jarge." Jarge: "Can I depend on that?"

Submitted by: Patti McGrath

So this guy comes up and says "Excuse me fellas you're sitting in my section."

The by'se say "Sorry Ol' cocky we ain't moving till this plane lands in St.John's."

So he gets the stewardress, she says "Gentlemen would you please move to your section of the plane?"

"Nope. We is not moving till we land in Sin. John's luv."

Well next out comes the co-pilot and talks to the by'se. After a couple of minutes the by'se get up and move.

The stewardress says "How did you get them to move?"

He says "'Well I asked them to move to the rear section', and they said 'we are not moving till we land in St. John's.' So I said 'Well by fellas I got some bad news. This section of the plane ain't going to St.John's.'"

Submitted by: Robert Sparrow

She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me."

"And why not?" replied the Newfie.

"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied.

"Oh, so you're from Lebanon."

"You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?"

"No, I can't say I do." replied the Newfie.

"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar. Well I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."

She looked aside and saw the Newfie with his head down sobbing uncontrolably.

"Whats the matter with you?!"

The Newfie slowly looked up to her and said "My GOD I think I'm a lesbian too".

Submitted by: Moe Paquette

The alien says "I wonder what would happen if I zapped away half that Newfoundlander's brain"? So he zapped it away and the Newfoundlander's rowing and singing slowed down tremendously....

"Row (pause) Row (pause) Row (pause) your (pause) boat (pause)....."

The alien found this interesting and wondered what would happen if he zapped away another quarter of the Newfie's brain. He zapped it and the Newfoundlander rowed very slowly and his song slowed to almost stopping.

Row (pause) (pause) Row (pause) (pause) Row (pause) (pause) your (pause) (pause) boat (pause) (pause).

Well the alien now wondered what would hapen if he zapped away all the Newfie's brain! He zapped it and the Newfie suddenly started rowing at a fast speed and sang "Frere Jaques, Frere Jaques, Dormez Vous, Dormez Vous......"!

Submitted by: Victoria Parsons

The Newfie says sarcastically "I'll shine a flashlight across and you walk across the beam."

The Cape Bretoner says "I'm not that stupid, You'll turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway across. "

Submitted by: Ryan Wadman

Submitted by: Greg Wareham

As he was walking along he saw a man running after a dog that had picked up the hat that had blown off of his head and started chewing it to pieces. The Newfie started to laugh.

The Torontonian said - "I don't think I like you attitude".

The newf says "Its not my 'at he chewed its yers."

Submitted by: Debbie Winsor

Anyway, My Newfie in-laws took me to a Newfie church in Kitchener, Ontario a few years ago. Just like any other Pentecostal Church (maybe a little hotter, but a lot more spiritual, and way louder!), until the Pastor started to preach. I started to smile at some of the idioms he let slip out, but I just about lost it when he shouted, "And dere he wuz, sittin 'pon da trone 'a Gawd!"

Submitted by: Darren MacDonald

The Newfie says "Well, B'y, it's like this. I'm going down the old back road with me horse and me cart when this dirty big pickup truck come flying around the bend. Well, me horse got scared, reared up and we ended up toppled over in the ditch. The driver of the truck stopped, got out and came over to us. Seeing me horse had a broken leg, he went back to his truck, got his rifle and shot me horse. He then looks at me and says 'Now, how about you, buddy. Are you hurt?'...Well, what do you think I said!!"

St. Peter to 1st Nun: "Who was the first Man on Earth?"

1st Nun: "Oh! That's an easy one. Adam." The Gates open up, chorus of Angels, Harp, Halo, Wings...in she goes.

St. Peter to 2nd Nun: "Who was the first Woman on Earth?"

2nd Nun: "Oh! That's an easy one. Eve." The Gates open up, chorus of Angels, Harp, Halo, Wings...in she goes.

St. Peter to 3rd Nun: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

3rd Nun: "Oh, my! That's a hard one!!" The Gates open up, chorus of Angels, Harp, Halo, Wings...in she goes.

Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."

Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.

Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."

Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.

The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.

The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"

Submitted by: Greg Wareham

The genie says "You are my Master, what do you wish?"

The Englishman said "How many wishes do I have?"

The genie replied "Three."

Being a friendly fellow he said "OK, there are three of us in this prison so we can each have one wish." Then he said "I want to go home to Britian."

In a flash he was gone.

The French man says "That sounds good to me."

And again in a flash he was gone.

The newfie said "God there's nothing for me at home - can't fish any more - most of my family have left home. I wish my buddies were here to help decide what I want."

In a flash the Englishman and the Frenchman were back.

Submitted by: Debbie Winsor

1st Newf: "Why don't we place a bouy in the water?"

2nd Newf: "Won't work. It will float away with the tide."

1st Newf: "How about we mark a 'X' on the side of the boat? That way we will know where to return."

2nd Newf: "That won't work you jackass. What if we don't use the same boat tomorrow?"

Submitted by: Peter Mooney

After a few hours, though, the Newfie gets a businessman to stop. He says, "Can you tell me where the Sky Dome's at?"

The Torontonian businessman looks like he has been slapped. He says to the Newfie, "I am dreadfully sorry, but in Ontario we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

The Newfie nods his head knowingly and says, "Sorry - can you tell me where the Sky Dome's at, asshole?"

Submitted by: Kat

Well this girl got on the Newfie Bullett at Port aux Basques. She was heading for St. John's. As the story goes, everytime the conductor passed by she asked him how long it would take to get to St. John's. Each time he replied "Dont worry about it me dear, we'll get there sometime."

Anyway, this kept up for such a long time that the conductor got a little pee'ed off with her asking the same question time after time. He finally said to her "Why do you persist in asking when we will get to St John's? Is there something that ails ya?"

Well the girl spoke up and said to the conductor, "I'm pregnant".

The conductor took one look at her and said "My dear girl, you should have had more sense. You know bloody well that if you were pregnant you shouldn't have got on this train."

The girl took one look at the conductor, stared him straight in the eye and said, "My dear man, I wasn't pregnant when I got on this damn train".

Submitted by: Ray Simms

Submitted by: Charles Mugford

"Stop Tickling me, Father Elmo!"

Submitted by: Ron Hawkins

A mainland tourist, from "up along", chatting with an elder Newfoundland Fisherman, asked him if he had any sons to help him.

The fisherman replied "Yes Sir, I have two living and one in Toronto."

Submitted by: Clayton Hutchings

A young feller goes to the Post Office. He comes back and announces: "I got d'mail. Dere was none".

The first rabbit I ever shot was a duck, and I killed that with a stick.

Torontonian: "Come on Newfie, tell me a joke."
Newfie: "Why tell it, I'm looking at it."

What is black and blue, and floats in the bay?
A mainlander after telling a Newfie joke.

How does a Torontonian kill a sea gull?

Throw it over a cliff.

Submitted by: Chris Baker

A Newfoundlander was on his way to Toronto and saw a sign that said Toronto left. The Newfie turned around and went home.

Submitted by: Jeremy Thorne

Two older Newfies many years ago seeing an Aeroplane for the first time:

First old timer: " I'd hate to be up there in SHE, Garge."

Second old timer: "I'd hate to be up there wid'out SHE, John."

Emailed to us by: Clayton Hutchings

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Emailed to us by: Ryan Franklin

A Newfie walks into a large warehouse in Toronto. It's completely empty except for two Torontonians. The Newfie asks them "What's you sellin'?" and the Torontonians decide to trick the Newfie and they say "assholes". The Newfie says "You must be doing pretty good you only got two left."

Submitted by: Cindy White

On one particular day, lunch break rolls around and the guy from B.C. opens his lunch box to find a salmon sandwich. "Dammit" he says, "I hate salmon sandwiches. I've always hated salmon sandwiches, and it seems to be all I ever get in my lunch. You can mark my words, boys, if I get another salmon sandwich in my lunch tomorrow I'm going to throw myself off this girder."

Then the guy from Quebec opens his lunch box. "Tabarnac!" he says, "Tourtiere meat pie again. I 'ate meat pie. I can't stand it. It's getting really depressing to come to lunch these days when all I ever seem to get is meat pie. I tell you what. If I get meat pie again tomorrow, I'll join you and jump off this girder too."

Then the worker from Newfoundland opens up his lunch box. Inside he finds a bologna sandwich. "By jeezus" he says, "bologna again. That makes fifteen days in a row I've had a bologna sandwich in me lunch, and I hate the stuff. I'm at the end of me rope too, boys, and if I gets another one tomorrow, I'll be jumping off right along with you".

The next day at lunch, the three meet at noon on their usual girder. The guy from B.C. opens his lunch box. He opens the wrapper of his sandwich. It's salmon. "Nice knowin' you boys." he says as he hurls himself off the girder to his death.

The Quebecker then opens his lunch box. Inside, to his horror, he finds a slice of meat pie. "Mon Dieu!" he says as he crosses himself. "Au revoir." he says to the Newfie as he jumps from the girder.

The Newfie then opens his lunch to find, yes, a bologna sandwich. With a look of disgust, he puts the sandwich down and throws himself from the girder.

At the funeral the wives of the three construction workers are commiserating with each other. The wife of the guy from B.C. sobs, "Why, oh why, if he didn't like salmon sandwiches didn't he just tell me so. He never said a word about it. I can't for the life of me understand it."

The wife of the Quebecker then said, "Well I feel the same way. I always assumed that he liked meat pie. If he didn't like it, I could easily have made something else. C'est absolument ridicule!"

Then the wife of the Newfie said, "Well I don't understand this at all. I mean I really don't understand it. He always made his own lunch!"

Submitted by: Martin Ruddy

Now, this recently constructed building housed facilities for the two genders, separated by a paper-thin wall, which didn't even reach to the ceiling. So there was a 2 foot gap at the top, and needless to say, 'twasn't very sound proof.

As they entered the female room, I decided that I had to do the same visiting, but to the male side. I was standing there, minding my own business, when I overheard an explosive emission of gas coming from the other side. A heartily disgusting scream of "Oh, Mom!!" came from the other side. The reply from the mother just about threw me. She said, "That's nuttin'. When yer fadder was aloive, 'e used to say,'Sounds better now that you got her tuned!'". It was all my strength to keep from laughing out loud and embarrassing themselves and myself. But only we Newfoundlanders could put flatulation to music.

Submitted by: Thomas DILLON

Jarge looks at Henry and says, "Sign says clearance is 10 feet".

Henry: "Yep."

Jarge: "Trailer's 12 feet."

Henry: "Yep."

Jarge, eyes darting furtively: "Well, b'y, dere's no cops around --- Gun 'er!"

Submitted by: Mary Lou Musial

One time a fellow was coming down off the Artic with a truckload of penquins, when his rig broke down. He didn't know what to do since the birds had to be at the zoo the next day. Along came a Newfie in an empty rig and offered to help the fellow out. So the fellow hands the Newf 100 bucks and tells him to take the birds to the zoo. "Will do, me son." says the Newfie.

The next day the fellow gets his rig fixed and makes it to Toronto. He decides to take a stroll down Yonge St., when lo and behold here comes the Newfie, with all the penquins trailing behind him. "I had some money left over from the zoo, so nows I'm takin them to the movies."

Submitted by: Angus McGregor

Submitted by: Robert Sparrow

The next day he looked out his window and again and saw the same Newf jumping up and down on the same manhole, but this time he was shouting 49, 49 over and over.

This puzzled the mainlander so much that he had to go down and find out why the Newf was doing this.

"Hey you crazy Newf, why are you jumping up and down on that manhole shouting a different number everyday?, said the mainlander.

"It's fun bye, you should try it.", said the Newf.

When the mainlander got on the mainhole and began jumping up and down, the Newf pulled away the cover, down went the mainlander, he put the cover back, got back on and began jumping up and down shouting 50, 50, over and over again.

Submitted by: Byron Clarke

• It's a wunnerful pain.
• Some pain b'y.
• PAIN? Oh me son!!

At a particular outport, they still used a cart to bring the coffin up the hill from the parish to the cemetery. One particular procession, held in the winter, resulted in the coffin sliding off the cart, and down the hill over the snow.

One mourner was heard to shout. "Ee's gonna be killed! Ee's gonna be killed!" The coffin, however, comes to a stop at the bottom of the hill, unharmed.

After checking over the coffin, the same wit was heard to have said, "Look's like Ee's just fine!"

Emailed to us by:Stephen Mercer

He looked down and saw a snail and heard him say, "Mister, could I come in? It is cold out here without a shell!" The man, being a cruel type, up boot and kicked the poor snail clear across the street.

Two years later this man was sitting on his sofa watching TV (after a few repairs no doubt, as this fellow seems really caught up in TV) when he heard a knock at his door. He opened his door and there on the ground was a little snail saying rather loudly, "Mister, what the hell did you do that for?"

Emailed to us by: Grant Young
Home Page: The Downhomer

My father was fitting the last piece of moulding in, but it was too long, so he cut a little bit of it off. Still too long, so he cut some more off. Still too long, so he cut another little bit off. Again it was too long, and by this time Dad was starting to lose his patience.

Dad: "Lard dyin'! It seems like every time I cuts a piece offa dis moulding, it keeps gettin' longer!"

Me: "Shur, ya must be cuttin' it from the wrong end!"

Submitted by: Scott Rixon

Father called them in and made Jimmy wait in the Sacristy while he "talked" to Johnny.

He said "Johnny, what is this I hear about you missing Mass on Sundays now?" Johnny was too scared to answer so Father decided to try something else.

He said "Johnny, who is present in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass?" Johnny was even more scared now and hung his head and shook.

Father started to get a little upset. This was a bit much to take from a young fella! He started to roar, "JOHNNY! WHO IS PRESENT IN THE HOLY SACRIFICE OF THE MASS?" Johnny, was swallowing at this point and Father was raging "JOHNNY, WHERE IS GOD?"

Johnny jumped off his seat at this point, ran out into the Sacristy and yelled, "JIMMY, WE BETTER GET TO! HELL OUT OF HERE! THEY LOST GOD, NOW, AND THEY'RE BLAMIN US FOR THAT TOO!"

Submitted by: Mary Farrell

George and Mike were asking Joe to promise them that he would never forget them, and of course, over a few beers. Joe said "tell you what, boys! I'll have a beer each for ya every day that I am gone.

Joe headed off to Toronto, found himself a job, a favorite pub, and got on with his new life. Every day he went into the pub, ordered 3 beers, drank em and left for home. After awhile the bartender couldn't stand it any longer so he had to ask joe why he did this.

He said "Joe, you come in every day, order three beers, drink em and go home?"

Joe said, Oh, yes, Boy! Das one fer me and one for George (me brother) and one for Mike (me other brother).

This went on for a long time. Then one day Joe came in and ordered 2 beers! , drank em and left for home. Of course the bartender started to get curious again and he thought "well, I hope nothing happened to one of Joe's brothers or something."

Finally he asked Joe the big question. "Joe how come you are not ordering three beers like you used to. Now you only order two and drink em. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

Joe looked at him with a look of amazement! "Oh God No, Boy " he said, "I only haves two now, cause I quit!"

Submitted by: Mary Farrell

Two Newfies took a plane up to northern Quebec to go fishing. They flew across a very small lake.

One Newfie says to the pilot "Thats the lake b'y!"

"Can't be." says the pilot "It's too small to land on."

"Oh yes." says the second Newfie "That's where the pilot put her down last week."

"Well ok." says the pilot.

They try to land and in the process tear the wings of the plane, almost crash and come to a stop stuck up against the shore.

"Yup." says the two Newfies, "That's just what happened last week!"
 

Submitted by: Judie Steffler

Terry said "Oh, man, I'd love to but I have a bad case of diarrhea!"

Kent replied enthusiastically "Thats ok, b'y, we've got a couple of newfies here that'll drink anything!"

Submitted by: Laura Bellingham

During the Spanish fishing wars out east, Donato from the Toronto Sun had a cartoon with a Newf in a boat charging the Spanish troller. The name on the Newf's boat was "Lard Tunderin Geezsus". I loved it.

Submitted by: Terry Lesko

"Don't you think you're a bit old for this kind of activity?" asked the suprised official.

"Not at all," replied the octogenarian, "My father is a hundred and two,and he was going to sign up too,but he had to be best man at Grandfather's wedding today."

"Well how old is your Grandfather then?"

"He's a hundred and twenty-four."

"I can't imagine that a man of a hundred and twenty-four would want to get married!"

"Want to get married ,Grandfather didn't want to get married....He Had To Get Married.!!!!"

Submitted by: Dennis Wicks

When St. Peter came to the Newfoundlander, he asked "And what are you?"

"I'm a Newfoundlander". he replied.

And St. Peter said: "My son, you better stay by the gate. You'll want to go home in the fall."

"Ar'n?" (Translation: "Did you get any fish this morning?")
"Nar'n.." (Translation: "Nothing this morning.")

Submitted by: Stephen Mercer and Jim Jones

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

Emailed to us on St. Patrick's Day by: John Religa
Home Page: John's Island on the Net

20 minutes later the same voice is heard. "This is your Captain speaking. Another of our engines has just given out, but don't worry we should have no trouble completing the trip with the two engines that we have left. This will only delay us about another half an hour."

20 minutes later the Captains voice is heard again. "This is your Captain speaking. Another of our engines has just given out, but don't worry we should have no trouble completing the trip with the one engine that we have left. This will only delay us about another half an hour."

By now the Newfie is getting a little on edge. He elbows the passenger sitting next to him and says, "I hope the last engine doen't give out, or we'll be up here all day."

Submitted by: Shannon Richmond

Seen on a kitchen wall: Der's nuttin' worse inna stove dan nar junka wood.

One day, Tom had been out ice- fishin'. On the way home he decided to stop into Mike's for a spot of tea. When Tom walked into to Mike's, the parish priest was there. So, being polite, Tom said "Good afternoon father. How are you?"

"I'm grand, grand I am," said the priest. "What have you been doing lately, Tom?"

"Not much," replied Tom. "I just now got back from a morning of ice-fishin'."

"My, my, that's shockin', looking down a hole for hours." said the priest.

Without thinking about his answer, Tom said in a booming voice, "It's better than lookin' up a hole, father."

Submitted by: Andrea Devine

I lived in Toronto for a number of years in the 70's and I became very good friends with a fellow from FiJi. One day, while having a casual convesation, he mentioned the fact that even though I didn't pronounce my H's, my grammer was really good.

When I asked him "why?" He mentioned the fact that I always used "An" instead of "A" before words that started with H such as house. Instead of "a house" I would always say "An Ouse". The funny t'ing about it is, I wasn't even aware I did dis.

Submitted by: Gordon Payne

Grandfather Hull stated matter-of-factly "I wouldn't dou't it!" And he didn't either, until he finished his breakfast.

Submitted by: Lorne Penney

She asked one of the workers, "What are you making?"

He answered, "$13.85 an hour Your Highness."

This is hot of the press and is known to be true.

Submitted by: Ginny Byrne

About five or ten miles outside of Calgary disaster struck.  The motor went in their camper.  What to do.  They went to the nearest garage and lo and behold there was a camper identical to his.  The owner sold him the motor and two days later they were back on the road again.  The rest of the trip was lovely and they really had a great time.

After five days and a half they landed in North Sydney all ready to take the boat to Port aux Basque.  They got on the boat and, of course, the first ting he wanted was a beer. So off to the lounge they went.  Well, he was in his glory. A Newfie Band was playing there.  Him and his wife settled down to enjoy the trip across to Newfoundland.  Now the band was really great and very lively.  They were telling stories and jokes through out all the trip.  They were laughin' and havin' a great time.  All of a sudden the singer in the band said he had a serious question to ask.

He asked "How many here on the boat are going to Newfoundland?"

Of course my brother raised his hand, right proud to be goin' back home.  Was his face ever red when he heard all the people laughin' at him.  He was the only one to raise his hand.

Well, they all had a good laugh at this and he made some real good friends by raisin' his hand.  My brother passed away in December 1996 and right up until the day he died we still kidded him about raisin' his hand on the boat going only to Newfoundland. Where else?

Submitted by: Cattrina Allison
 

The old gent lifted the cows udders and replied, "Quarter past two sir."

"Incredible!",  said the tourist. "You can tell the time by moving the cows udders."

"Yes sir", said the old gent. "When I lifts the cows udders I can see the clock on the church."

Submitted by: Brian J. Healy

The class joker tells his friends to watch as he shows how stupid this young Newfie really is. He says, "When I offer a dime and a nickel to the Newfie, he'll take the nickel because it's a larger coin and the dummy can't figure out that the dime is worth more".

He offers two coins to the young lad, a dime and a nickel, saying "Take the one you want." The boy takes the nickel. The joker and his friends share a good laugh.

Time and again the class joker pulls this stunt with the young Newfie - each time intimating to his audience - "See how dumb he is, he thinks because the nickel is larger it's worth more."

One day, a teacher notices what is happening and later asks the young Newfie, "Do you know that the class joker is having fun at at your expense?"

The young Newfie boy replies, "Yes, but how often would he offer the coins if I took the dime the first time?"

Submitted by: Toby Jesso
 

About 30 years ago, when pop bottles were returnable to the stores for an immediate refund, my older sisters and I had arranged for my younger sister to go to the shop.  In our porch we kept a box for pop bottles to return when we bought more drinks.

My sister had a small coin purse, with enough money in it for drinks, providing she brought back some of the pop bottles with her.  Well, she thought she had laid the coin purse on top of the bottles while she picked up some bottles to take with her.  Before she even got out the front door, she came into the kitchen, looked at my eldest sister, screwed up her face real good, and began bawling, "I turned around and dere it wasn't."

She had lost the coin purse.  It was found an hour after the store closed - in her coat pocket.

Submitted by: Dorcas Kelland

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