There was a newfie and he went to a farm and said to the farmer If I can guess how many sheep are on your farm I can have one of them.thats fair enough.you have 7645 sheep on your farm.thats amazing. as the newfie walks away the farmer says to the newfie if I can guess where you are from then I get my sheep back.o-k sid the newfie thats fair enough.the farmer said you are from newfoundland.thats amazing how did you do that.I will tell you how I did it as soon as you put my dog down.
Submitted by: jamie murphy
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: newfoundland humour
Date: Saturday, February 24, 2001 at 19:35:36 (EST)

'da worst ting you can have on yer head is 'nar cap! Alby
Submitted by: alby
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, February 06, 2001 at 08:42:42 (EST)

A co worker of mine "Jed" said the other day that it was so cold outside that he had to wear two pairs of laces in his boots.
Submitted by: Darin Hyde
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, January 27, 2001 at 15:34:29 (EST)

This one was told to me by my grandmother, who moved to the states from Quidi Vidi when she was a young woman: "One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long. When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
Submitted by: Robert Powers
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Robert Powers's Pick
Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001 at 12:32:49 (EST)

I'm a newf see and I plays 'ockey and our goalie is not that great (but he's alright). So one day see by' we had a game against some town in Newfoundland. We lost see so I asked him "Is there sometin' wrong cause you don't stop that many shots eh'". So he says ta me the stupid ice is too blessed SLIPPERY me son!!!!!
Submitted by: MOO MOO
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2001 at 17:22:37 (EST)

A Newfie was walking on a beach, on his journeys around the island he came across a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said for letting me out of the bottle I will gran you three wishes. His first wish was for a million dollars, poof a million dollars appeared. His second wish was for the 12 playboy playmates of the year,poof there they were. His third wish was for a lad to touch the ground, poof no legs .
Submitted by: Dennis Faulkner
Homepage: Island
Date: Tuesday, January 16, 2001 at 09:20:00 (EST)

Carry on as if you where normal
Submitted by: Goggles
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, January 08, 2001 at 13:08:39 (EST)

One day, down at the pier there was a newfie walking along carrying a lobster under each arm.All of a sudden a FisheriesWarden came up to the newf and says to him "you know you could be in very serious trouble fishing lobster out of season" to which the newf replied " hey by' I am not fishing these har lobsters, they are my pets". Continuing to explain to the Fisheries Officer the newfie says "ev'ry day I comes down to the warf and gives a whistle and me two pet lobsters jump from the water. Then I take them for a walk on the warf". "I find that very hard to believe" says the Fisheries Warden, "prove this to me". So the newfie walks to the edge of the warf and throws the two lobster into the bay. Eagerly awaiting the proof of story he had heard he tells the newfie "whistle for your pet lobsters, and they better show up or your going to have to face the judge". Just then the newfie turns to the Fisheries Warden and says"WHAT LOBSTER"!!
Submitted by: rheal pitre
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 14, 2000 at 16:45:14 (EST)

My missus works at Tim Horton's and one day was making her rounds cleaning the tables. There were four men arguing 'bout which was bigger, Newfoudland or Quebec. One of the men, my brother-in-law, was from Quebec. One man says," Newfoundland is bigger than Quebec!". Immediately, my brother-in-law says confidently, " NO WAY, even with Newfoundland and Labrador together, Quebec is twice as big". Now, of course, my missus being a Newfie and quick on the tongue says to my brother-in-law, " That's because it takes two Quebecers to make one damn good Newfie!"
Submitted by: Bernard Ross
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 23, 1999 at 21:48:44 (EST)

A newfie, a chinese buddy, and a French buddy was stranded on a small island. All of a sudden, one of them finds a lamp. They rubbed it and out pops a genie. the genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, 1 wish each." "okay," they all say. Then the chinese buddy says, "I'll go first. I wish that I was home with my wife and 2 kids." Then 'POOF' he was back home with his wife and two kids. The French buddy speaks up, "I wish I was back home with my wife too." 'POOF' he was back home too. Then the Newfie says, "Well, jeez 'by, I'm all alone now. I wish I was back with my friends." 'POOF' they were all back on the island.
Submitted by: Laurie S
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, December 11, 1999 at 13:00:48 (EST)

While out swimming with his girlfriend. One woman was distressed and said her boyfriend had just disappeared under the water and was far too long under. Bob jumped in and after 30 seconds dragged out a blue body. He started mouth to mouth. His girlfriend asked him, " how is it going". "terrible replied Bob. his breath is really bad." The distressed woman replied that's not my boyfriend, thats probably the man who disappeared under the ice one year ago."
Submitted by: Brian Lawrence
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: google
Date: Tuesday, December 07, 1999 at 10:50:09 (EST)

So,dere wuz dis time,see,wen me brudder Charlie and me was takin' a truck driver's course,to learn how to drive the big rigs,eh. Like,dem 18 wheelers. So,anyways,the h'insruckter wuz takin' us out one at a time and stuff,see,to figger out wat we knowed,like braking and clutchin' and sech stuff. So,he gots ta two of us out one day,and Charlie's up in the bunk,watchin' me h'and da h'instruckter,and the h'instruckter sez to me "let's say you're out on the road,you and Charlie,as a team,and you're goin' down dis great big long hill and deres a red traffic light at the botton,and a school bus loaded with youngsters is goin' thru the green light,but your brakes aren't workin' right.You can't get the truck stopped safely.What are ya gonna do.Well,I said,I'll ask Charlie what to do.No,you can't ,he said,cause he's up in the bunk sleeping. Well,by,sez I, I'd wake en op,cause he never seen a good accident a'fore..........
Submitted by: Gren Warren
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Kitchen
Date: Sunday, October 31, 1999 at 00:57:25 (EDT)

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAPPEN TO BE ON THE SAME COIN.
Submitted by: KILLA TANNA
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: ugly phil's hot 30
Date: Tuesday, September 28, 1999 at 21:47:38 (EDT)

A timid little old lady was petrified of a dentist all her life. She had such a bad toothache that she had to go in. The dentist sits her down & as he puts the bib on her; she asks him to tell her when he's ready to begin. He goes over, gets all his tools, comes back & asks her " Are you allright"? Shaking, she replies "Yes". He leans over & says "Then we're ready to begin". She sticks out her hand & grabs his balls. He says "Lady, what are you doing"! She replies, "We won't hurt each other---will we"?
Submitted by: Audrey Brown
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, September 10, 1999 at 10:05:25 (EDT)

There were three newfies on the way home from the bar one night.They had a 6 pack of Black Horse for the ride home. As they came around a turn they saw a police roadblock up ahead. The driver told his buddy to peel a label off of a beer bottle, he then took label ,licked the back of the label & stuck it on his forehead, then he rolled up to the road block. The policeman asked "you guys been drinking tonight?", the driver said "My buddies have been drinking but I can't because I'm on the patch!"
Submitted by: Reg Daley
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, August 14, 1999 at 01:40:27 (EDT)

This is a true story. Having just returned to New York City from a trip to Newfoundland, I began to look at New York differently: I noticed that traffic jams, which I'd taken for granted, were really horribly annoying and that New Yorkers know absolutely nothing about Newfoundland. (I didn't either until the trip, but that's beside the point.) So one day, while we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic (anyone who's never left rural Newfoundland, feel free to e-mail me for definition -- not a "Newfie joke," just that I'm envious) waiting to pay a toll and cross a bridge, I remarked to my husband:"We could get rid of that traffic in a minute if they'd just replace that toll booth by a booth where drivers were asked to name the capital of Newfoundland, and not let anyone who couldn't on the bridge. The next day I told this story to a colleague at work -- a teacher, like myself, and a man who prided himself on being well traveled and knowledgeable about geography. He laughed heartily and then said, "It's Gander, isn't it?"
Submitted by: Debbie Rothman
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, August 12, 1999 at 02:00:42 (EDT)
 

A young couple just got married were in there honymoon suite on thier wedding night. as they were undressing forho thought himself a mancho kind of guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said"/here put these on" as she put on his pants the waist was twice the size of her body. she said"i can't wear these pants" the husband replied"thats right and never forget it. i'm the one who wears the pants in this family" with that his wife flips of her panties and tosses them to him and says"here try to get into these" he tried to pull them on but couldn't quite make it to his kneecaps. he says"hell i can't get into your panties" she looked at him and said" thats right and if you keep that attitude your never going to!"
Submitted by: J-man
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 09:49:24 (EDT)

A sign you might see in a newfie gift shop In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash
Submitted by: Justin Gallant
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, August 10, 1999 at 09:39:51 (EDT)

This well dressed man shows up at the pearly gates seeking entrance.St. Peter said " It depends on how you lived and more importantly ,how did you die ? " The man said " My wife and I lived a fairly uneventful life . It was the typical middle class marriage . I was the provider and she stayed home and took care of the house .Then today I decided to pay her a surprize visit at lunch.I walked in and she was still in hernightdress but I was upset when I saw a cigarette in a saucer ( we dont smoke ) and two coffee cups on the table . I realized I'd been had so I got so mad I picked up the fridge full of food and thru it out the window . The excertion killed me.I died of a heart attack ." " Come in " said St Peter. Fellow number 2 shows up and ST.Peter again wants the details . He said " I was out for a walk and from out of the sky comes this big fridge and squashed me flat" St Pete said "Come in ,I know the case " Come number 3 in the line : This little Newf . St peter asked the usual and Newfie says " Im sittin in dis fridg ,mindin me own buisness "
Submitted by: Winnifred Dawe
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, July 24, 1999 at 14:48:41 (EDT)

Well, it would be quit hard to picture my dad as a fisherman, but then again it wouldn't, 'cause he enjoys it so much. But just think that all the girls fathers a while ago would be fishermen. Kinda hard to believe? I don't think so! Well, anyway, here's my two cents!! Bye!
Submitted by: Danielle Croke
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, May 05, 1999 at 09:46:57 (EDT)

There once was a blond, she had a boyfriend. He told her to look out the window and see if the blinker was on. So she did.This was her answer " yes,no, yes,no, yes,no.
Submitted by: Lauren
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 18:21:26 (EDT)

There once was three people, an Italian, a frenchman, and a newfie. they were construction people and were working on a building 80m high. They always had lunch on top of the building. So the Italian opens up his lunch and gets a tuna sandwich. He says, " Oh I hate tuna sandwiches, If I get a tuna sandwich again tommorrow, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the french opens up his lunch and gets a balona sandwich. He says "If I get a balona sandwich again, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the newfie opens up his lunch and gets a ham sandwich. He says " If I gets anoder ham sandwich, I'm wit you two." So the next day, the Italian gets a tuna sandwich and jumos off the building. The french gets a balona sandwich and the newfie gets a ham sandwich and they both jump off the building. Later on, at there funeral the french and Italians wife's were crying and say"If they didn't like that kind of sandwich, they could have told us, but the newfie's wife wasn't crying, she was laughing . The Italian and french's wife ask the newfie's wife why she isn't sad at all. She says, "why, he makes his own lunch
Submitted by: patsy
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, May 02, 1999 at 18:18:02 (EDT)

My parents are from Newfoundland. St. John's to be exact. And not just because my parents are from there; I wanted to say that I love my heritage. I love the people from Newfoundland. They are the nicest people on earth. I'm proud to have this in my background.
Submitted by: Cheryl Penney
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Cheryl Penney's Pick
Date: Friday, April 23, 1999 at 15:03:57 (EDT)

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven,where she meets St. Peter. She notices >that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many >clocks here? St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth >and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.St. >Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to >Mother Theresa, and she never told a lie her whole life . The next clock >belonged to Abraham Lincoln, and since he only told two lies his whole life, >only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock ?" St. >Peter says, " Bills clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a >ceiling fan." > > >Have a great week. >
Submitted by: myles Benoit
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, April 20, 1999 at 15:13:16 (EDT)

There once was an American who decided to write a book about famous church's around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Canadian church's. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Vancouver, thinking that he would work his way across the country from west to east. One his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, $10,000 per call. The American, being intrigued asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. The American's next stop was in Edmonton. There while at a very large cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Vancouver and he asked a nearby sister what it's purpose was. The sister told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you" said the American. The American traveled on to Calgary, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and Halifax and at every church he stopped at he saw the same golden telphone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it, and every time the American asked a member of the church what the phone was for he got the same awnser, "it's a direct line to heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God." Finally the American arrived in St. John's, again he saw the same golden telephone but this time the sign under it read "$.10 per call." The American was intrigued and he told the church's minister, "Father, I have traveled all over Canada and I have seen this same golden telephone in many church's. I have found out that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other provinces the cost to call heaven was $10,000. Why is it so cheap here?" The minister smiled and awnsered, "You in Newfoundland now son, it's a local call."
Submitted by: Jason King
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, April 15, 1999 at 13:12:34 (EDT)

There were two teams of telephone pole installers. A team of Americans and a team of Newfies. Their supervisor went up to them and said, "I'm sorry to say this, but we've had budget cuts and one team has to go. For the next three days we're going to have a contest. The team that installs the most poles stays and the other one goes." At the end of the first day both teams went to their supervisor and reported their numbers. The American team put in 20 and the Newfies, 15. At the end of the second day the Americans had put in 45 and the Newfies had only put in 30. On the third and final day the Americans put in 50 poles and the Newfies got 35 in. Their supervisor went up to them and said, "Well I'm sorry to be the one to do this but the American team got more poles in so you Newfies have to go." The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one of them said, "No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!"
Submitted by: Andy
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, April 14, 1999 at 14:24:56 (EDT)

Newfie's first day in Toronto. Gets off the bus, goes up to the first person he sees. Asks him, "Where's da Skydome at?" Guy shakes his head in disgust and walks away muttering something about proper English. Newfie goes up to a lady. Asks her, "Kin ya tell me where da Skydome is at?" "Must be a stupid Newfie," she mutters, "can't even speak proper English." Walks away. Newfie goes up to the next guy he sees. "Excuse me, sir. Can you please tell me where the Skydome is at?" Guy says, "Look here, Newfie. You need to improve your English. You don't end a proper sentence with a preposition like at, to, over and words like that." "You're right, you're right," says the Newfie, "I should have known better. I learned that in school. What I meant to say was, 'Can you please tell me where the Skydome is at, Asshole!!"
Submitted by: Matt Way
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, April 13, 1999 at 09:20:48 (EDT)

When the Newfie arrived at the pearly gates, he couldn*t believe the beauty of heaven. He and St. Peter didn*t hit it off too good, when the Newfie said *well, I will be damned
Submitted by: Tommy MacDonald
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, April 11, 1999 at 23:11:32 (EDT)

What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite type of condoms? "Presidents Choice"
Submitted by: Jake Hickey
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, March 31, 1999 at 22:56:26 (EST)

there were three blonds on an island. they wanted to go to shore,it was 20km away. so one blond swims 5km and drowns. so the next one swims 15km and drowns. the last blond swims 19km's and says to hersef,"i'm tired, i think i'll turn back."
Submitted by: yakub ali
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: joke
Date: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 at 11:19:15 (EST)

there was a newfie ,an american&a canadian lost on an island. they all found a magic lamp,they rubbed it and out popped a geni. the geni said,"since there are three of you, i'll give you one wish each." so the canadian said that he would like to go back to canada and be a milionare, so poof! he was gone. next the american said that he would like to be in america and also be billionare,so poof! he's gone. so the newfie is alone now so he looks around and says," i want them both back 'cause i'm alone!"
Submitted by: joe_king
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: canadian
Date: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 at 11:09:51 (EST)

Newfie went to see his doctor complaining he is sore all over. Doc he says, i get my finger and press it on my knee and boy does it hurt. than i get my finger and press it on my elbow and ouch it hurts. than i take my finger and press it on my forehead, ouch again. what do you thing is wrong with me. The doc says Your finger's broke
Submitted by: Patrick Burke
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Patrick Burke's Pick
Date: Friday, March 12, 1999 at 19:29:49 (EST)

Several Newfies were working with some Quebecers on a construction site in Montreal. Most times communication wasn't a big problem, but sometimes the languages didn't always merge. For example, one day when the Newfies were working a few floors up on the scaffolding above the frenchmen one guy was sawing off a huge plank and accidently dropped it over the side. As it left his hand he yelled out, "Look out below!" A frenchman promptly stuck his head out the window and got brained by the falling plank!!
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, March 07, 1999 at 17:58:45 (EST)

Garge, a rough and ready Newf, had always counted on living to be 100 years old. He was doing very well at it to having reached 98 and still was healthy enough for his daily walks through the streets of St. John's. The only negative thing about Garge was that he always, all his life, dressed in the worst old clothes and rubber boys imaginable and his family was always after him to dress up one day for a change. So, for his 99th birthday Garge relented and dressed 'to the nines'. He went out for his walk all dressed up like a stick 'a gum...a real eye catcher. Anyway, as fate should have it, as he was crossing Water Street he got hit by a Metrobus and was killed instantly. When he met got to Glory he asked God,"why, why, after all these years and being so close to my goal, why did you let this happen now?" God replied,"Sorry, Garge by' ....I didn't recognize ya"!!!!
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, March 04, 1999 at 22:05:03 (EST)

I was babysitting for a my friend when it was time to put her 4 year old daughter to bed. At the time it was right before Christmas, so I asked her if she was going to see Santa Clause! She replied saying"No because Rudouph shot him with the 4X4!
Submitted by: Anna Marie Decker
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, March 04, 1999 at 16:37:46 (EST)

What is black and blue and floats in the bay? A mainlander who just told a newfie joke!
Submitted by: Anna Marie Decker
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, March 03, 1999 at 19:55:26 (EST)

Person was walking down the street when all of a sudden he/she hears a voice that says,"STOP OR YOU WILL BE KILLED BY A FALLING OBJECT". Person stops and a brick comes falling down from the top of a 15 story building and smashes into small pieces about a foot in front of him/her. Wow the person thinks, and says "Hey thanks buddy you just saved my life". Keeps on walking a while longer, and the same voice calls out again, "STOP, OR YOU'LL BE KILLED BY A SPEEDING CAR". He/she stops again, and a car out of control goes speeding by, side swipes two other cars and crashes up against a stoppped train and explodes. The person is over come by all this and says to the voice, "Thank a million for savingmy life again, but who are you"? The voice comes back with, "I'm your guardian angle" The person replys," WHERE WERE YOU 25 YEARS AGO WHEN I GOT MARRIED"
Submitted by: Gerard Carrier
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, March 02, 1999 at 07:36:34 (EST)

An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. he tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What's ya doin, boy?" he saked the hunter. "Gettin' my duck," said the Yank. "Well now I figgers it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says the Newfie. "Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?" "Well " says the Newfie, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do, boys. We'll fight fer it." "Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank. "I'll give you a sportin chance," says the Newfie. Here's the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seein' as it's my yard," says the Newfie. "Bend over, boy." The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face firsat into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn." The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn't like duck anyway."
Submitted by: Joe Boudreault
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Joe Boudreault's Pick
Date: Monday, March 01, 1999 at 12:47:30 (EST)

All supervisors at the fish plant were from now on to be dressed in white frocks. The Chief was addressing this one day and saw no problem until reminded of the size of John F.-a very very large man. John stood well over six feet tall and weighed nearly four hundred pounds and the Chief knew that no off-the-rack frock was going to fit big John F. While discussing this dilema with a group of men one day, old Sam, a quick witted soul offered, "Jasus, Chiefie, might be cheaper just to buy a gallon 'a white paint an' paint dat frigger over!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, February 08, 1999 at 15:03:41 (EST)

A woman from Harbour Round was pricing out some rather expensive mud facial cream with her friend one day. She allowed that owing to the fact that she still had a relatively wrinkle-free face she would need no more than a bottle or two-the neighbour agreed. The neighbour then joking asked her if she would be buying some for her husband, Jack, who had seventy years of hard living with the lines to match showing on his face. The woman replied,"You know now, I thought about that and then I figured it might be cheaper to wait 'til the contractors come around this summer and just have him paved!!!"
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Monday, February 08, 1999 at 14:52:40 (EST)

Two Newfies set off on a moose hunt. A single engine Beaver takes them north from Cornerbrook. They make their way far into the bush to a small lake miles from civilization. The pilot is just able to land safely and offload the men and equipment at the hunting camp. The pilot says he will return in a week but warns them that he will only be able to fly out one moose. The week passes and the pilot returns to find the two Newfies, equipment and three moose carcasses. The pilot refuses to take more than the one. "You not be much of a pilot 'by" says Garge. "The lad last year loaded up three moose" chimed in Herb. The pilot -- against better judgement loaded the plane. The Beaver struggled into the air and almost cleared the ridge ant the end of the lake. In the mangled wreckage of the Beaver Garge pulles out a 20 and gives it to Herb..."You win... we're a good 100 feet betern last year."
Submitted by: Northern Light
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 at 16:17:14 (EST)

An American hires a newfie to take him on a tour of the newfoundland woods.The American looks down and sees some rabbit buttons and asked "what are these?".Smart pills replyed the newfie you eat them and you get smart.So the American picks up some and eats them."Gross they taste like shit",he said.See said the newf you're getting smart already.
Submitted by: Doug Herridge
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 20:11:20 (EST)

A Newfie went to tour Spain. One day he went to a local restaurant. He told the waiter that he wanted the house special. The waiter brought a plate consist of chips, salad and two large meaty balls. Curious the Newfie ask what is it? The waiter anwsered "cojones" "What is cojones?" the Newfie asked " Senor ,cojones is the testicals of bulls who lost in the bull fights." The waiter answered. The Newfie was digusted at the thought of it. but being the adventures type , he decided to give it a a try. Infact the cojones is delicious. So good that the Newfie came back the restaurant the next day and ordered cojones again. This time testicals were much smaller. Baffled the Newfie asked the same waiter what is it? "cojones senor" "No this is not cojones, I had cojones yesterday and they were much larger than this." the Newfie said " senor, the bull does not always lose" !!!!!!!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's "New to you"
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 19:03:35 (EST)

Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two. Peter asks the third guy, a Newfie, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The Newfie thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife." Peter then told the Newfie to enter door number one. The Newfie asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:57:20 (EST)

A Newfie married a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and vituperous person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!" When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, the Newfie's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you." Well, I happened to bump into the Newfie a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Hell, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:51:25 (EST)

Yeltzin calls Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Chretien. "I do need your help," said Yeltzin, "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" asked the Russian Pres. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Trojan in Canada. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said Chretien, "write 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:46:06 (EST)

It was a hot summer day at the Smith residence. Mrs. Smithhung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went out to pick up some dry cleaning."Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Waterstreet. Mrs. Smith passed by a tavern and thought, "Hell, Why not?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Mrs. Smith said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have meself a cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Mrs. Smith blushed and replied "Well fine, tanks, and how's the pecker?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 at 18:36:41 (EST)

(Got a hard job to write this one 'cause I'm laughing so hard at the next one down-that's long alright!!) Anyway, a Newfie, a Frenchman, and an American were wandering over the European countryside trying to get back to their army squadrons. It had been a long and lonely wartime and they were in desperate need of some female company. By and by they stopped to rest near a small farm. Noticing a sheep grazing peacefully away at pasture, the Frenchman said, "Mon Dieu, I wish very much that that sheep was Bridget Bardow." The American then said,"I wish it was Marilyn Monroe." The Newfie matter-of-factly offered, "I wish it was dark!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, January 29, 1999 at 15:36:38 (EST)

A very wealthy lottery company was offering a million dollars to the laziest man alive. Lots of people were naturally interested in winning the prize and great stories of unnatural laziness were offered by many. Finally, after hearing the story of a Newfie housewife about her, no- good, slouch of a husband the judges agreed that this was a winner. The company marched on over to the Newfie's house with much fanfare expecting the usual jubulation from the winner. When they got there they found the Newfie sound asleep on the lawn. They announced their presense to him, but he never awoke. They then nudged him a little-still no response. They then shook him and yelled the good news in his ear-he barely peeped out of one eye. In final desperation, they kicked him hard and yelled, "Here, you son of a bitch, here's your million dollars." "Alllll right, allllll right," the Newfie replied, "no need ta get rough- jus turn me up on me side a little and shove it into me pocket fer me will ya!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:36:46 (EST)

A man came upon an old woman who was ice fishin' in the dead of winter. "Gettin' any?" he asks. She replies, "Jus' enough ta keep me 'ole open".
Submitted by: G.M
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:14:50 (EST)

FIRST NEWFIE: Hey, Tom, old buddy. Wasn't dat you I seen yesterday going into Woolworth's when I was stood there right out front of da Post Office lookin' across Water Street. SECOND NEWFIE: No, b'y, you must be mistaken Garge, me ol' trout-I wasn't downtown at all yesterday b'y. FIRST NEWFIE: Oooo-das right sure, come to tink of it, neither was I. Must 'a been two other people!!!!
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:08:36 (EST)

This old lady was in a nursing home and this morning she got dressed and started heading down the corridor going like a bullet, as she was passing the first door a man put out his hand and stopped her and asked her if she had a license she said yes and passed him a chewing gum wrapper and on she went as she came to the next door another man stopped her and asked her if she was license to drive so fast and she said yes and passed him a maxi pad and on she went,as she approach the next door another man curling his hand asking her to stop and with a sigh she replied not another breathalyser to the man with an erection.
Submitted by: D.Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, January 28, 1999 at 02:03:00 (EST)

The newfies hope that quebec separates,----They think that it'll be a shorter drive to Toronto. A couple of newfies were driving to Toronto, They came to a sign that said'Toronto-Left', they turned around and went back home!
Submitted by: Sharla Goodwin
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 27, 1999 at 21:33:08 (EST)

(I don't know if you heard it before) Two newfies were flying in a plane, a voice came over the speaker telling them that one engine broke, but it was alright because they had another one working. One newfie said to the other,"I hope this one doesn't break 'cause we'll be up here all day!"
Submitted by: Sharla Goodwin
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 27, 1999 at 21:28:28 (EST)

An old couple went to the doctor's office for the old man's checkup. Both had to go because the old man was as deaf as a doornail. Anyway, after a preliminary examination the doctor said "Now Sir, we're going to need a urin sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample in order to run some tests." The old man didn't hear a word of what the doctor said and, turning to his wife, with strained expression asked "Aaaaah, what he say?" The wife replied, "He SAID he WANTS a PAIR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!"
Submitted by: G.M.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 11:16:27 (EST)

A woman accompanied her ailing husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." *Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. *Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. *For lunch make him a nutritious meal. *For dinner prepare him an especilly nie meal. *Don't burden him with chores,as he probably had a hard day. *Don't discuss your problems with him. *And most important....Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. "You're going to die." she replied.
Submitted by: Dora Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 01:34:38 (EST)
 

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian Parlor.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ,the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it,filled with water.In the water floated ,of all things,a condom.Imagine his shock and surprise.Imagine his curiosity;surely Miss Bea had flipped!But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her Parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and it's strange floater,but soon it got the best of him.He could resist no longer.
Submitted by: Dora Taylor
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 at 01:06:24 (EST)

True story from home. Jack and Et M. were havin' a bad fall since Jack give up fishin' and come down with a bad stomach. He was after gettin' the very bad news that he would need an operation and that two-thirds of his stomach would have to be removed. Well, Et, being a typical outporter was not adverse to exaggeration in order to enthrall her neighbours and was heard saying one day at the store, " tut, tut, yes , tings is some bad, and sure now Jack got ta go in and have THREE-THIRDS of hes stomach removed!!!"
Submitted by: Gerry Morris
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 at 16:23:06 (EST)

Garge was building a new house. He ran out of lumber, so he sent Pat to the lumberyard for more. Pat walked up to the counter and said, "Me brudder Garge wants a underd 4 be 2's". "Pardon", the clerk replied. "A underd 4 be 2's!!", Pat replied. "Oh, 100 2x4's", the clerk said. "Same ting", Pat replied. "Okay, how long would you like those 2x4's sir", the clerk asked. "I don't know", Pat said "I'll have to ask Garge". He jumps in the truck, drives off and returns 10 minutes later. "How long would you like those 2x4's sir?", asked the clerk again. Pat replied "Garge said he wants 'em a long time, he's building a ouse see!!!".
Submitted by: George Prosper
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 at 14:21:02 (EST)

A lawyer from Montreal and a Newfie were sitting next to each other on a flight from St. Johns to Toronto. The lawyer leans over to the Newfie and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Newfie just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Montreal lawyer persists and explains the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I aks you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again the Newfie politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, somewhat agitated, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you 50 dollars!" figuring that since he is a Newfie, he will easily win the match This catch's the Newfie's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Newfie doesn't say a word - reaches into his billfold, pulls out a fiver, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the Newfies turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up the hill with 3 legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzeled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Archives. Frustrated, he sends Email to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Newfie and hands him 50 dollars. The Newfie politely takes the 50 and turns away to get some sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the Newfie and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the Newfie reaches into his billfold, hands the lawyer a fiver and goes back to sleep.
Submitted by: Don Boore
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, January 08, 1999 at 20:13:21 (EST)
 

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in. "Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks. "No we don't got any duck food." "Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out. The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in. "Got any duck food?" he asks. The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!" "Fine." the duck says and walks out. The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?" By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!" All the duck does is turn and walk out the door. On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "No we don't got nails." "Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Yvonne's pick
Date: Thursday, January 07, 1999 at 11:29:28 (EST)

I just found this newfie page and was glad I found it. My grandmother on my fathers side was decendant of the great Cpt Arthur Jackman. On my mothers side her maiden name was linegar. While I was there the road to southside hill was Blackhead Rd, But that was changed to Linegar Rd
Submitted by: Frank Jackman Maher
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, January 06, 1999 at 19:58:22 (EST)
 

A neufie was sitting in a boat, singing, "I's the b'y that builds the boat and I's the b'y that sails her" Some aliens flew over him and abducted him, saying, "I wonder what will happen when we remove half of his brain" They removed half his brain and put him back in the boat. He began to sing "I's the b'y," again. Confused, the sliend took him back up into their ship and removed half of what brain was left in his head, so he only had a quarter of his brin left. They put him back in the boat and he continued singing "I's the b'y" "Screw this," they said " Let's just remove his whole brain." They took his entire brain out and put him back in the boat. The neufie was silent for a moment, and then burst out singing, " OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT?"
Submitted by: PaTricia Silverman
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Xcelco home page
Date: Saturday, January 02, 1999 at 14:56:31 (EST)

A newfie moves to Toronto and get a job working with two guys from Toronto doing construction work. One day while they were at work, on a lunch break, the first guy from Toronto opens his luuch and start to complain because for the last 2 years his wife has always given him a ham sandwhich. The second guy from toronto goes through the same process as the first guy except his sandwhich is turkey. The newfie then pipes up and states the same thing except he has a bolonga sandwhich. The newfie then states that when they all go home after to work that they should say something to there wives so that they don't have the same for lunch tommorrow. All three go home an do just that. The next day all three are sitting down ready to eat there lunch. The first guy from Toronto states that if his a ham sandwhich that if he has a ham sandwhich that he not eating in and throughing it in the trash. Sure enough when he opens his lunch he finds a ham sandwhich, he then throughs it in the trash. The second gut from toronto goes the same thing and when he opens his lunch he finds a turkey sandwhich and also throughs it in the trash. The newfie then picks up his lunch and throughs it in the trash. The two guys from toronto look and the newfie and ask why did you do that you did'nt check to see what you for lunch. The newfie responds I don't have to check because I made my own lunch this morning.
Submitted by: Kurt Buttt
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Saturday, January 02, 1999 at 02:49:44 (EST)

A bartender in Toronto is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant Newfoundlanders. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of whiskey and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more Newfoundlanders arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Newfoundlanders show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth Newfoundlander comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the Newfoundlanders, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The Newfoundlander who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that Newfoundlanders are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 31, 1998 at 09:47:51 (EST)

Newfie's on his way back to st. John's from Toronto on a plane. He sits next to a mainlander. They start talking and Newfie askes the mainlander what he did for work. Mainlander says"Well I'm a pyschoanalist" Newfie says"what's that?" mainlander says"Well do you own a fish tank?" newfie says yes. Mainlander says"Well you probably like the water to then, right?" Newfie says"yes" Mainlander says" well i bet you like the beach too" newfie says"why that's right!" Mainlander says"if you like the beach well you probably like looking a the women in their bathing suit too, aye" newfie says(right impressed)"How'd you know that? You pyshcoanalists must be some smart. Newfie changes planes in Halifax and sits next to another mainlander. Newfie's just sitting his chair fiddling around and turns to the mainlander beside him and says"I'm a pyshcoanalist" Mainlander says "you are?" Newfie says "well let me explain it to you ya. Do you have a fish tank?" Mainlander says"no" Newfie says"What are you gay or somting?"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's "New to You"
Date: Monday, December 14, 1998 at 11:26:06 (EST)
 

Two peanuts walking down the road, one was a-salted.
Submitted by: Cliff
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 at 08:24:26 (EST)

TRUE STORY MOSES BURNS WAS WATCHING A SHIP LOAD OF U.S. OFFICERS COMING TO STEPHENVILLE FOR THE FIRST TIME. ONE OF THE OFFICERS SEEING MOSES STANDING THERE JOKINLY ASKED. WERE ARE ALL THE INDIANS.MOSES LOOK AT HIM AND SAID. THIER NOT ALL OFF THE BOAT YET
Submitted by: JOE
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 at 19:49:59 (EST)

Newf was looking for an exotic cruise vacation, but on the cheap. Perusing the St. John's paper, he saw "France, $1500", "Australia, $2500"--and, lo and behold!--"Greece, $5.95". "Just the t'ing," he thinks, and heads down to the agency. He goes in, ponies up the cash, and they pour him a drink. He knocks it back, and everything goes black. When he wakes up, he's chained to a rowing bench in a galley, with a drum beating a steady rhythm and a rowmaster cracking a whip. He starts pulling his oar. Fourteen days later, nothing but bread and water rations and 20-hour days at the oar, the boat finally makes port in Greece and the captain tells the rowers they're free to go. Newf turns to his benchmate and says, "Damn if that ain't the worst vacation I've ever had." Benchmate says, "Aye, my love, and last year they only charged $4.95."
Submitted by: Hugh Miller
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, November 25, 1998 at 00:50:26 (EST)

No thsi is not a joke or a story, it is mearly a comment. Newfies are the best thing to happen to Canada. I am not one, i was born and raised inOntario and reside there now. However I am datinga nd in love with a Newfie and he is the sweetest, nicest guy and alot of my friends are newfies and they are the best! And its true, Newfies are the best in bed!
Submitted by: Sarah Augustus
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Sarah Augustus's Pick
Date: Sunday, November 22, 1998 at 17:44:37 (EST)

An old Newfie, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home in Toronto. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, November 20, 1998 at 14:11:08 (EST)

~Edgar was eighteen years old Torontoian, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job as a delivery boy and general go-fer at Leon's furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Edgar said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Friday, November 20, 1998 at 13:13:11 (EST)
 
 

1. You know more than you really want to concerning the personal lives of Ran, Lar and Deb. 2. You don't think that those poor souls setting up their campers in gravel pits are homeless. 3. You no longer go shopping, but hang around da mall instead. 4. You know that moose sometimes comes in a bottle, and caribou is the main ingredient in bologna. 5. You know that CBS is not just a cable channel. 6. Most parties you attend are either held in the kitchen or eventually end up there. 7. You've eaten cod tongues, and don't wonder what they did with the rest of the fish. 8. You are not surprised to see a bunch of tourists kiss a dead fish and shout: "Indeed I is, me old cock!" 9. When someone says they're going around the bay, you know that it's not just to the other side of the harbour. 10. You know that Here and Now is not just where you are at this moment. 11. At least once, you have endured the ferry ride from Port-aux-Basques to North Sydney by staying in the bar as long as possible, but then wish you had made more of an effort to find a comfortable chair to sleep in. Of course, at this point you're so loaded it doesn't matter. 12. You know who Snook is, and have probably met someone just like him. 13. Seeing the word "Dildo" on a highway sign doesn't make you giggle and blush. 14. You aren't startled by large plywood moose with reflectors for eyes. 15. For some reason, you frequently replace the word "downtown" with the phrase "George Street". 16. You buy your bologna in sticks, and like it well done and `crispy' on the barbeque. 17. You know that the show you're watching is about to come back on because a music video is playing, and the letters N-T-V are somehow orbiting the earth. 18. You know that despite the vast distances between Canada and France, small boats carry booze and cigarettes between the two countries on a regular basis. 19. You know how to answer when somebody asks: "Whaddya at?" 20. You know that Jockey Club is not organization for little horse riders and India is not a country in Asia. 21. You treat empty beer bottles with respect, and store them carefully for future visits to Brewer's Retail. 22. You're not surprised that all four comedians on This Hour has 22 Minutes are from Newfoundland, and know that the Quinlan Quints are not from Buchans. 23. You know that you couldn't possibly ask for any better place than Newfoundland, and anyone who doesn't think so just hasn't spent enough time there!!!!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 19, 1998 at 14:49:04 (EST)

Johnny just moved to Toronto from Newfoundland. His first day at at school, the class was practising the alphabet. Most of the kids made it to G or H before faltering, but Johnny went all the way to Z with only two mistakes! He went home, told his father, who then patted him proudly on the back saying "That's 'cause you're from Newfoundland, son!" The next day, the class was doing numbers. Most kids stumbled after 10 but Johnny went all the way to 50 with only 3 mistakes! He went home and again his father patted him proudly on the back saying "That's 'cause you're from Newfoundland,son!" The following day was gym class. Johnny was puzzled and when he went home, he asked his father "Dad, after gym today, when we were all taking showers, I noticed that the other kids had really small weenies! Mine is at least 10 times as big! Is that because I'm from Newfoundland? "No, son", he replied, "It's because you're 18!
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Thursday, November 19, 1998 at 14:43:07 (EST)

Two mainlanders were standing in an old abandon store talking about how stupid Newfies were. One remarked that Newfies were so stupid that if two passed by the window now, they would come inside and asked what was for sale! Well just after he finished talking, two Newfies happened by, and sure enough, they entered the old store and asked the two men behind the counter, "what are ya selling?" Half laughing one of the men replied, "assholes!", and one Newfie responded, "You must be doing a swift trade, you only got two left!!"
Submitted by: Yvonne Lyver
Homepage or Favourite Web Page: Rod's New To You
Date: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 at 11:09:06 (EST)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Newfoundland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Newfoundland too! Let's have another round to Newfoundland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Newfoundland are you from?" "St. John's," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from St. John's too! Let's have another drink to Newfoundland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in'62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Wednesday, November 11, 1998 at 12:55:29 (EST)
 

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. "The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison. "The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please. "The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The Newfie says, "Gimme a fork. "The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Newfie takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The Newf looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Submitted by: Jarge T.
Homepage: Not entered
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 16:34:30 (EST)

"A Heartwarming Story" The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Gonder, Newfoundland; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Gonder School: God bless you for the beautiful ra